Fallen Girl

Letter to my Death

Hi.

It's me. 

Okay. 

That was the easy part. 

And here comes the truth. 

I'm dead or still getting there and I don't know which sounds worst to me. As I'm writing it I feel pain. A lot of it. I just ended a  video call with Becky and I want to see her so much that it hurts. Our friendship ends with my death and it sucks, I know, but I like to hope that she's fine with it, not feeling angry or anything. I want her to be happy. To know that she's living her dream life and seeing things and places she always wanted to see. Maybe even marry her blue-haired boyfriend who she's talking about all the time. She deserves the best. 

There is a lot of things I'm gonna miss here, like my mom's laugh or when she's singing while cooking something for us. When I was a little girl - before getting sick, that meant - she also sing me to sleep and as I got older, she kind of ended it at some point, but I still remember every song she sang to me. And of course, she sounded like an angel. That's what I'm gonna miss the most about her - her laugh and her singing voice. 

The next thing is her being angry and not over stupid things like not eating dinner or something like that, but lying, running away at night, etc. Not that I did it a lot. That's not the point here. I just started to like her anger towards me, because... the truth is, she only did it when she was scared or worried and I know it sounds strange, but I loved it. I loved to see her getting angry at me which is ending soon because I'm losing my fight over a disease that I've lived with all my seventeenth life so far. 

But I'm trying to accept it. 

Now that I die in this long war, I have made peace with it. 

I really hope Scott finds his happiness too. Clearly, ours was not meant to last since I was slowly dying the very day we met and now I'm... dying fast. In the blink of an eye. I see his pain every day. He wants me to live for him... for us. And for me. He kept telling me that I have so much to see yet and it's not fair for God to take me away like this. Hearing him talking like this makes me smile, because I know he's not angry with God. He's hurt. He's not okay with the fact that our story ends here. My whole diary is about meeting him, kissing him, and dating him. Maybe that's it. Maybe that was all I needed from him. To love him and to let him love me the way he did. I'm gonna die with my love for him and he has to live with it for the rest of his life. 

I hope he can make it and fall in love again. Find someone who wouldn't leave him to death and will love him with all of her heart or even more, always putting him first and making him laugh over stupid things, as I did. Like I did at my best moments. 

I do hope she's healthy enough to marry him someday. Or at least think about it and not throwing it away just because of the fear of growing old together or dying first or... whatever. I think I was so ready to die I forgot how to live. So I hope she doesn't make the same mistake. I really do. 

Oh, dear God...

I'm leaving my old man too. My dad. My adventures with him are over for now, not that I had many. The important part is he did come back to me and loved me endlessly in my last weeks on earth. In these weeks I got to know his little secrets. That he has deep cheekbones when he smiles wildly and pimples on his nose and both of his armpits, which I loved. That he did his nose wrinkles every now and then when I talked about Harry Potter or the amazing works from Shakespeare just to tease me a little. I knew he liked those authors too, though he never admits it to me. He looked like Harry Potter itself with his classes and sea blue eyes. And talking about love like it was something to die for, which it is. I'm dying because I love him. I love him because I'm dying. It's the end of our story as well. 

And I'm more heartbroken than ever. 

Now I can't dream that we will pass each other on the streets or in the cinema or even the library, because... I'm dead then. I'm dying for him. For all of them. So I have to be strong enough to say goodbye to my Life and hello to my Death. 

To leave the Earth's darkness and welcome Heaven's light. 

To stop living my beautiful Life and hug my painful Death.

To walk in the Earth's sun and fall in Heaven's moon. 

There, I'm finally ready to stop breathing now. 

I'll see you all in the light, besides God itself.

With all my love,

Your dead side