It's not what it seems

6

The way from the cell to our room, wow, that sounded weird in my head, seemed shorter than normal. Maybe that was because I was nervous to talk to Steve. Okay, it definitely was because I was nervous, but that was normal in a situation like this. Right? I knocked on the door. "Come in," Steve's voice sounded. I took a deep breath and opened the door slowly, very slowly. Steve was sitting on the bed, facing the door. It seemed like he had been sitting there for a while, doing nothing. "Hey," I said it so soft I was afraid he didn't hear it. "Hi." I walked in and closed the door behind me. "How are you?" "I have been better," he said looking down. "Okay, Nat, I have been stupid by walking away, twice, but I'm just afraid okay... I mean, you're probably angry, and this might ruin our friendship and I don't want that to happen and-." "I'm not angry." "Wait, you're not?" "No, I'm not, just... surprised I suppose." He smiled, "It's fine with me as long as you're not angry." "Wouldn't say that If I were you." "Why not?" I sighed, took a deep and then said, "Steve, can we talk?"

He looked a shocked and a little scared, but he nodded anyway. "Of course we can talk." "Thanks." "What's it you want to talk about?" "About yesterday." "Oh..." "I can do most of the talking." "O-okay." "You know Steve, you really took me by surprise yesterday. I knew we were a lot closer than we were before, but I didn't know your feelings for me were that strong." "I should have told you, I know." "You should've yes. But now it happens that I do have feelings for you too... I'm not sure what kind of feelings, but I know it's stronger than any kind of friendship I ever felt. Even stronger than my friendship with Clint." "What do you mean with that?" "Well, sometimes, when you say something, or when you're close to me I... I feel..." "You feel what?" "Some kind of weird feeling in my stomach... like there's something fluttering around." "That sounds cliché." "I know." "Got to say I feel it too though." "You know what it is?" "Haven't you seen enough movies and read enough books to know what it means?" "I do... I jus thought..." "Nat, what's really going on here?" "I... I don't know, I already told you that." "Natasha." We stared at each other for a moment. "I think," I said, "I think I'm afraid to fall in love."

"Afraid to fall in love?" "I know, it sounds weird and stupid, but still." "It doesn't sound stupid... I think I understand." "You do?" "Yes, after Banner and all." "Well, that's not the only bad experience I have with love." "You got more?" "Well, not really my own experience, but someone who was close to me." "Who?" I didn't know why I started about this, but I knew I could trust Steve enough to finish the story. "My mother." He looked at me, shocked, he didn't expect that answer. "I was young, a five year old girl when my dad died. He was murdered, I still don't know why, but that doesn't matter now. What does matter is that he was murdered in our own house while my mother and I where Christmas shopping." I was surprised by how much I still remembered, I was so young. "I was the one who found him first." "You were?" I nodded slowly. "Two days later I found my mom, she was depressed after my father died and she couldn't handle it anymore. She hung herself from the stairs... I found her when I came home from school." "You... you found both of your parents dead within a week?" "I did... what love can do to a human..." "You know, I always wondered why you were so against love, now I don't, it made you think love was a bad thing, while it actually isn't." "Maybe you're right, maybe it's not, but it's still something we humans don't understand." "That's true, but are there any of our feelings that we truly do understand?" "I don't think so."

Steve and I kept talking for a while longer. He told about his parents, his father was a terrible person, but his mother was a good woman, he loved her very much. We keep talking till it's ate in the night and then we go to bed. I wake up screaming from nightmares again, but this time Steve's close. He takes me in his arms and I lay my head on his chest. I never knew something so small could be so comforting. I think this was the moment I realised I was in love with him.

It was a strange realisation, for I didn't feel happy about it. I wondered why, then it came to me. I never wanted to fall in love. Also, I knew Steve deserved more than the broken human being I was. It made me a little sad to know that he had fallen in love with me too. Maybe it was better if he had stayed with Sharon.