A Daughter's Confession

There's this man I wanted to talk about. The man I haven't been with for a long a time. The man I'm absolutely longing for, the man whom I want to be with this very day. The man I miss calling "DAD". 

I wonder why uttering such word gives me an agonizing feeling. It seems like that word is filled with blade that sluggishly pierces my soul. Is it because I'm not using it anymore as much as I'd love to? Or is it because of the very person behind it who has brought an enormous fragment on my heart?

For so many times, I'd been overly bothered with what ifs and if onlys. What if my Dad was still here? Will I be able to make up from all the wrongdoings I've done? Or what if I was given the chance to see him again even just for a brief period, will I be able to make the most of it? Will that erase all the misery I'm feeling inside now? Will it cease the pain and the vexation dominating my heart? If only I was granted the power, I would undoubtedly protract all the moments I had with him and will never put an end to it. But no matter how hard I desire for these things to happen, I would only hurt myself from my expectations because that is next to impossible. The truth is, he's gone. He left me. And that kills me deep within.

I always tell myself that everything happens for a reason. Yes I'm certain with that but I wish I knew what the reasons are. Knowing the reason might somehow lessen the intensity of this vanquishing torment. It might bring compensation from the fatal pang of being left behind. But knowing the reason why, still won't change the fact that he's gone. Letting go of a person you love the most is the hardest and harshest challenge a person could ever encounter.

The only moment we realize or appreciate the value of a person is when he/she is gone, a bitter truth I have proven. I can still remember when I was still with my Dad, I never really showed how much I love him. I was hesitant in saying it and reluctant in showing it in actions. I took him for granted. Maybe because I didn't grow up with him being around and I am more affectionate when it comes to my Tatang (my Uncle) which gave birth to a gap between me and my Dad. I can't blame myself about it, I was too young and I never really cared about what's going on. I was only able to fathom everything when it was already too late. 

Nine years ago (I was seven years old) my Dad met an accident which caused his horrifying death, considering that that day was my kuya Veejay's (eldest brother) birthday. A day which is supposed to be a mirthful revelry turned out to be an endless day of grieving, crying and lamenting. I consider that day the worst nightmare of my life. That was the only moment I realized how important my Dad was to me. I can't do anything but to cry. Every tear I shed means a lot. I shed a tear of grief. A tear of pain. A tear of heartache. A tear of misery. A tear of lost.

Time passed by, still I haven't moved on. The scar left from his death still hurts and remained unhealed. There were innumerable nights where I cried to sleep. And spent many days preferring to be alone, meditate by myself and reminisce the few beautiful memories I had with my Dad. Every day of my life was a struggle, every minute was a rebellion and every second was a fight. My Dad's death was my hardest fall on the ground. I stumbled corrosively, collapsed violently and tripped severely.

But as I grew older, I was able to handle things easier. I realized that I have been self-centered in the past. I only worried for my own sake and forgot that I wasn't the only one sufferring from my Dad's death. It must've been hard also for my Mom to accept it. I might've been oblivious that she has cried all night without my Dad beside her. She must've sufferred from the lost too. The same with my brothers, they too might have felt the pain I felt. And for my Dad as well. I'm sure, he also didn't want to leave us. Maybe if he only had a choice, he must've chosen to stay with us. He might be crying too because he can also feel the misery. I didn't understand it before, all I thought I was the only one fighting but I was wrong. This is not my struggle and my battle alone , this is my family's fight, we as a team together as one.

Dad, 

Even as a child, I've been speculating where you are. Were you in heaven? Was it a beautiful place? Have you seen God? Or were you in a an exquisite paradise? Have you been watching me? Can you see me right now? Can you hear my voice and the whispers I enunciate everytime I'm all by myself? Can you read my mind? I am unsure, but I hope you'd be able to read this. 

I only wanted to tell you that I'm still your little princess, the girl whom you offer your beautiful songs to, the girl whom you always kiss her forehead whenever you get home from work, the girl you danced with, the girl you always tease and crack jokes with, the girl you carry to bed when she falls asleep on the sofa, the girl you buy toys and dolls for, and the girl you loved very much. I'm still that girl Dad, I never changed. I might have grown into a lady but that doesn't change who I am. 

I can still remember when you told me that when I turn 18, you'll be my first dance. Every night I imagined myself dancing with you. But I woke up and realized that it won't happen anymore. Two JS Promenade had passed by but you weren't there. I only have a loving Tatang and a caring brother but  I have no Dad to dance with, even a shadow of yours, still I couldn't discern.

I do not know how will I be able to make it up to you but I tried my best to make you proud. I studied and strived really hard to be on the top of the class. I offered my very best. I never gave up. You were my inspiration, I hope you're aware of that.

I miss you. I miss you more than anything. There were those idle times where I cried too much because I'm missing you. I miss having a Dad. I miss calling someone Dad. Sometimes I feel envious with my friends whenever I see them and their Dad together, that was too hurtful to bear. I miss your velvet voice. I miss your comforting words. I miss the way you wipe my tears away. I miss the way you make me laugh so hard that I find it hard to breathe. I miss you when you get drunk and do funny things. I miss the luscious food you cook for me. I miss you when you scold me beacause I'm too reckless to the point that I would get myself injured. I miss everything about you Dad.

I love you. I love you not because you're my Dad and I'm obliged to feel so. I love you because that's what I really feel. I love you because you mean so much to me. I love you because you love me. I love you because you made me happy even for a short period. I love you because you gave meaning to my life. I love you because you inspired me to become a better person. I love you because you taught me how to be strong and not to surrender. I love you because you cared for me. I love you because you bring out the best in me. I love you more than words could express Dad.

Thank you. Thank you for showing what the meaning of life really is. That life is not a bundle of sweet fruits. It is a mixture of every spices which makes it more flavorful. With every fall, I should take the courage to stand up. With every heartbreak, I should be patient to look for the missing pieces and fix it up again. Thank you because for once in my life, I felt how it feels to be loved by a Dad. Thank you so much Dad and I'm lucky to have you in my life.

This day, though I know would be incomplete would still be a special day for me. This day is your birthday, we may not be together celebrating it but our hearts interlocked together is enough to make this day perfect. We may be apart physically but I know we are tied together with love, and that's what matters most. Happy birthday Dad! You may not be here, I may not be able to hug you but remember, my mind keeps our memories together and my heart contains all the beautiful feelings. I hope my love will tightly embrace you so you'd feel how I feel. You will never be forgotten Dad, because you're a part of my life: my past, my present and my future. You're a piece that completes my entirety. And did I ever told you that you are the best Dad ever? Well if not, then let me shout at the top of my voice these words:

YOU ARE THE BEST DADDY IN THE WORLD DAD AND I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!

Your Baby Girl,

Ninay