Zodiac weirdness in High school

Journal

Monday, May 1st, 2017. 2:44 Central Daytime time

    I know its been a while since I written here but I told you I would write to record my sanity so here I am practically 3 o'clock in the morning writing to you.

    I guess its just kinda hard to explain how I feel...its like...my heart is being torn apart in the slowest way possible. I get picked on by my family. My anxiety has gotten worse...I've had 4 panic attacks in one month...Is that normal? My chest hurts all the time as if some dark force is sitting upon it to mock me. My stomach churns every time I look at my sister. She's slept with about ten different guys but yet she has the audacity to call me names and pick on me?
     I  guess thats how it just works...Right? Sometimes I wake up grasping for air or crying. It hurts... The pain... The suffering... The feeling of moving but never going anywhere at the same time...its killing me. I wonder of he can see me. He's probaby laughing while thinking to himself that things will get better  soon. But they wont.
     My hands tremble with each passing minute. No warm arms can embrace my fearful soal. No warm hands can caress my dreams. They've all become nightmares. I feel so empty. I wish I could do more but how can I find one place of im so lost. Lost in my own skin, my own emotions, my own little world. The fact that people say that I do this for attention is truly not a fact. Im not like my sister. I dont try to kill myself over a breakup. My reasons go far beyond what an average teen thinks about.
      I just want to be with him. I dont want to keep drowning. I want to swim free. I know you'll never respond to this because you're a journal but please. Keep this. For when I disappear you'll have prof of my failing existance

Im sorry for this I just get upset and I just write. This wasn't part of the story its part of the reason why I cant write. So im sorry but im trying to hold on but im constantly being beat down.

This is also how Capi felt during the year that Roman was gone so most of it portrays to Capi so its character and its feelings tend to be based off how I feel.