memoirs of a depressed teenager

look I'm sorry

Look I'm sorry
Before you start
To say it's ok
It's not
Don't apologise
Don't say oh
I'm sorry
I'm sorry I look at you the way I do
Like you're a ray of fucking sunshine
Because you are
Accept it
I'm sorry I think of you the way I do
Like you're the way out for me
Because you are
Because when I look at you
Or when your name pops up
On my phone
I feel this little tingly
In the pit of my stomach
Like it's going to be okay
Like maybe the cellotape on my broken heart
Won't have to be there one day
And I might fall in love and not totally shatter
And I'm sorry that I think of your face and body the way I do
The way I really wouldn't mind
If we kissed
Or went a bit further
But sometimes I can't get it off my mind
So maybe I do mind
I'm sorry I don't act the way I used to
But I feel like I can't
I feel like I can't be myself
Flirty and random
And hold your hand
And hug you
and rest my head in your shoulder
And it's tearing me up inside
Because I'm not myself around you anymore
And I wish to god I was
You helped me find myself again
Without you
I might not be here
I may have shitty days
I may be a bitch and go to you
Complaining
But you make me feel
so much better
And sometimes
I'm going to be honest
I do want you to tell me I'm beautiful
And I'm hot
And I'm attractive
And I'm adorable
Because nobody else does
And I certainly don't
I don't look at myself in the mirror and like what I see
I feel so ugly and disfigured sometimes
It's all I can do
To hold off a knife
Or a blade
Or sometimes a lighter
Casting a glow of orange and yellow
But you're there
To make me stop
and think
And you make life
A little bit more bearable
You make living another day
A good thing
You make me feel wanted
And liked
And I wish you saw me
The way I see you
But I'm sorry
I can't change either of us
And I'm sorry
I fucked up
But I can't do anything
I'm sorry I look at you and feel safe
I'm sorry I look at you and feel okay
I'm sorry that I look at you and feel home