i'm sorry

three: i can't breathe

i was dating jordan for a few months. being my usual self, i had thought our relationship was serious and meaningful. until one day, everything came crashing down. he was not who i thought he was. jordan had become abusive, manipulative, a liar, and extremely possessive. i thought it was a joke until i noticed he was being persistent and would not stop hurting me. he was physically and mentally abusing me. i was scared and frozen that i didn't know what to do. after a few weeks, he had begun touching me inappropriately. i had not wanted to be treated or 'handled' the way he was with me. he threatened my life if i had said anything. he made me lie to my dad about going on trips over the weekends multiple times when, in fact, we were just at his old house. he continued doing as he desired with me. i didn't put a stop to this act...

the week before he had disappeared, he was at my house. no one was home since my dad had to work a 2nd shift at work. jordan knew no one would be home. however, i had forgotten that benjamin said he was coming over that day. before benjamin arrived, jordan began doing what he routinely did: touch me, but things got a bit worse. this time he undressed himself as well. he pinned me down on my bed and forcefully/painfully forced himself into me. i cried out as he tried covering my screams and cries with his hands. without me or him being aware of everything going on outside of my room, benjamin and norah had rushed into my room by the sounds of my cries and muffled screams. benjamin dragged jordan away from me and began beating the life out of him. norah had rushed to me and covered me up. she hugged me tightly and told me that everything was going to be okay.

i was so scared.

benjamin continued beating jordan, norah had to yell for him to stop and just get him out of here.

i was so scared.

lost and scared.

benjamim had looked at me and had so much fear in him. he didn't know what to do; he left the room in tears. i didn't mean for any of it to happen. for a few hours after that, benjamin avoided me. norah stayed and comforted me. She continuously told me that it wasn't my fault and that benjamin wasn't mad or disappointed in me. It was something i was unaware of. when ben felt that it was okay to approach me, he said we had to go to the hospital and the police station. i cried and begged him that we couldn't. my dad couldn't know about this. I had no idea what he would do. ben cried with me and cautiously hugged me. i continuously apologized. He also reassured me that none of this was my fault that i will be okay and jordan would never touch me again.

i was traumatized. i feared for my life every single day.

the next day i stayed in my room the entire day. i feared facing my dad. i feared facing the world. norah stayed the night with me. the entire morning, i was receiving threats from jordan. i think, without me noticing, benjamin read the messages he was sending me. i hadn't known benjamin went out to look for him until he came back hours later like he was in a fight, and he wasn't even a fighter. he walked into my room with a cut on his lip, bruised cheek, a cut on his forehead, and bruised knuckles. michael was with him. i freaked out thinking that benjamin was telling everyone. it turned out michael only knew jordan was using and hurting me. michael hated jordan since he found out we were 'dating.' two years since this incident, it's so fresh as if it had happened yesterday. after some time from the incident, norah had told me that i was 'raped.' i, at the time, had no idea what he was doing to me until norah told me. ben had tried talking to me about it, but it was tough for the both of us. they had said it was not normal or healthy. i feared for my life. 

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i couldn't breath. i was frozen and scared. i wanted to run, scream, do something to get away from him but nothing was coming out of me.