Random Writes

The What Ifs

The soft grass files between my toes, while soft music plays in the background. He stares at me from across the yard with longing in his beautiful eyes. I nod my head towards the lonely bonfire, a silent beckon. He strolls over, and instead of sitting, takes my hand and gently drags me away from the life of the party. It's a quiet spot away from groups of people that can see us clearly. His hand takes mine as I pull back and push forward into the gentle twirl. A smile forms upon my face as his other hand comes to rest gently on my hip. Shivers run their course. His fingers clasping mine. He leads me into a dance that rocks back and forth to a slow tempo. We turn in small circles.  A quiet whisper makes its way through my ear,
"You look beautiful baby girl. Never change." A blush flushes my cheeks and I rest my head on his chest. I hear the marcatto beat of his heart, not quite short but not long either. I may be scared of what's to come, terrified even but in this moment I take it in and let myself be worry free. I know i'm still in pain. I know i'm fragile however I believe this is what I need. For someone not to let go. I've longed for this moment, wondered what It felt like, to have a loving hand in mine. A hand on my hip that's caring. A body next to mine that's warm and comforting. To make up for lost time. To have someone who's different, one that's not afraid to be close. My hand upon his shoulder as the music speeds up slightly. The hand leaves my hip, a cold spot takes its place. His fingers brush my chin and he lifts my head to meet his eyes. They are sparkling and I'm terrified of what they've seen. I see his pain, I don't know what it's from.  I'm terrified of what's to come. I want to know his past. I want to know what's apart of him.  His fingers are rough and calloused, but careful. He gently pries me off to twirl again and I give a huff of protest, I was comfy. But he just chuckles and pulls me in again. His fingers trail back to my chin, leaving a hot line. And his eyes trail to my lips. A hand tangles itself in my hair.  My hand caresses his face, seeing his demons through his eyes and not knowing how to handle them. Wondering if he knows the full extent of mine. One day I tell myself. One day. He leans down, his lips almost touching mine- but he falls away, a smirk upon his lips because he knows I hate teasing.They come back to my lips- what if I don't feel anything? What if I don't like him that way? What if I break his heart and become another one of his demons? What if he becomes one of mine? I couldn't take it. Couldn't do it. But I have to push myself. Have to test the water, I won't know any other way- My back hits the sharp bark of a tree. My arms come up to my head with the impact. Roughly, he pins me by the sides of my stomach. Softness reaches my teared wet lips. His hands come under my thighs respectively, lifting me so my legs can wrap around his waist. My ankles crossing behind his back. My pale, soft hand falling to his chest tenderly. His delicate fingers wipe away my tears, only for new ones to replace them. Instead of telling me to stop or asking me why he just tangles his hand in my hair again. The moonlight illuminates his eyes as he stares into mine.The other one cradling my face, like I'm going to crumble right then and there, and he needs to hold me together. After he's satisfied I won't, he stables himself by putting his hand on the tree above my head. My back still against the tree. My breath labored. He leans down and kisses me lightly. My breath hitches at the touch. Hot tears still staining my cheeks. But he continues, sliding his hand from my hair to my face, rubbing his thumb over my flushed cheeks. His hand comes to a halt at my hip one last time, giving a tight squeeze. I surrender, the thoughts disappear and for once I let myself go.