In the Arms of Rain (Ville Valo)

15 - I Fought Myself and Lost

  'Let's take a walk.' Ville said, after a moment of tense silence, equally awkward for me and for the other members of the band, who had also begun to stare at me. I just nodded, without saying anything, and waited for him to take the lead.

He walked out of the dressing room. I followed. When we neared the exit, the same door I had come in through, he unexpectedly and a little aggressively took my hand. My heart jumped again, but I quickly realised that he just wanted to make a quick getaway, avoiding the fans that were undoubtedly waiting outside.

He opened the door and dragged me round the corner, away from the main street, into a creepy back alley. Somehow, I still trusted him enough to let him do it, despite knowing that he was an alcoholic and not knowing if he'd had a drink or not. Somehow, I still trusted in the Ville I had known before.

He still didn't say anything, but once we were safely out of sight and fairly lost in amongst the alleys behind the shops, surrounded by bin bags, discarded boxes and muddy puddles, he slowed the pace of our walking. He still didn't say anything, he only sighed. He didn't let go of my hand, in fact, he gripped it tighter.

I looked at him for a moment before breaking the silence. 'How are you?'

He looked back at me. 'I'm fine.'

I stopped walking and leaned my back on the wall beside me. 'What does that mean, fine?'

Ville stopped too and turned to face me. 'Really fine. Not exactly great, but fine. I'm trying to quit drinking again.'

That brought a smile to my face. 'Great.'

Ville also smirked, which made my smile grow even more. 'Well, it's not always successful, but I'm a lot better since I last saw you.'

I nodded. 'You couldn't really be much worse.'

He shrugged. 'I guess that's true.'

I just looked at him for another moment. He certainly looked better. The image of his bloodshot eyes was engraved into my memory, and I was trying to replace it with this one: his porcelain skin, cheeks roughed from the cold, his eyes like green opals, his half-smile.

'Why did you want to see me?' I asked.

Ville smiled and shook his head. 'The same reason you came to see me.'

I didn't reply. I don't know what my face said, in my mind I was denying everything, but in my heart I knew it was true. When Ville took my face in his hand and kissed me, with more certainty than ever before, I knew it even more.

I pushed him away. 'I want to be with you, Ville,' I admitted, 'but you're bad for me!'

He shook his head desperately. 'No, Nina, I'm not, I won't be any more. There's something I need to ask you.'

'What?'

'Something that would be very good for you, and would be my absolute pleasure. We're about to go to LA and plan to stay there for a couple of months. The first thing we want to do is to shoot a music video, and I want you to be in it.'

I looked at him out of the corner of my eyes for a moment, trying to process what he had just said. He seemed to be torn somewhere between grinning and looking serious, so his face was a mixture of happiness and uncertainty. I couldn't even imagine what mine looked like.

After a long, long moment, I took a deep breath and replied, 'that's just...that's just insane.'

Ville appeared to take my answer as a rejection, which it half was. 'Oh, come on, Nina,' he said, weaving his fingers into my hair. 'What have you got to lose?'

I laughed. 'A lot, actually. I was planning to go back to school, I have a flat here, friends, a whole life. I've just about picked up the pieces from when you left me on such a high then let me come crashing down. So, sorry if I'm not exactly jumping at the chance to move half way across the world with you. I mean, your track record of keeping promises isn't that great.'

'Look,' Ville said quietly. I had expected him to become defensive, but instead he softened his tone of voice even more. 'I'm not asking you to give all of that up. You should still apply for University. But imagine how great this would look on your application. I know you don't trust me, I don't expect you to, but this isn't just about me. There is going to be a video. We need an actress, preferably a beautiful one,' he smirked. 'You'll have the entire crew supporting you. And if you don't like it or if it all goes tits up, you can come straight back home. It's only a few months, maximum.'

I sighed. I hated to admit it, but everything he was saying made sense. Did I want to be in a music video? Of course. Did I want to live for some months in Hollywood? Hell yes. Did I want to be with Ville? I'd already told him so. Everything inside me screamed 'yes!'

But I still sighed, bit back my smile, and said, 'I'll think about it.'

Ville laughed. I could tell he wanted to say, 'think about what?!' but he held his tongue, didn't push the matter, just smiled and nodded. 'Okay, alright. But don't think for too long, because we're leaving in three days.'

Those three days passed like minutes. On day two, I sent him a three word text message. 'I'll do it.'

Then, I manically packed a suitcase, left my housemates in charge of everything else, and caught a train to the airport to meet Ville and the band.