In the Arms of Rain (Ville Valo)

29 - You Are The One

Ville was staring at me intently. He was expecting me to say it.

But I couldn't. 

No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much I suspected that he wanted to hear it, no matter how big an inkling I had that he felt the same way, I just couldn't say it.

Instead, I laughed it off. 'Do you have something to say?' I asked, smirking coyly at him, giggling.

Ville shook his head, laughing. 'I don't think so, Miss. You're not going to trick me like that.'

I bit back my smile, sighing, and taking his hand where it lay between us on the battered old couch. 'I'm not trying to trick you.'

Ville also sighed. He shook his head again, lacing his fingers between mine, and tightening the hold a little. 'So...?'

'So...' I replied, slowly, before sighing one last time. 'Why don't we put a pin in this? It's...kind of a tough question to answer right off the bat.'

Ville nodded, suddenly inhaling sharply as though to perk himself up, and somehow, lightening the whole atmosphere between us, which had become quite tense.

'You're right.' He said, decisively, and with a smile. 'Let's come back to that later. Why don't you tell me all about what you've been up to all this time?'

Happy, and relieved, I nodded in agreement. Taking a deep breath, I rounded up everything that had happened in LA, recounted the productions I had been in, and offered a lengthy explanation of what I hoped to do now that I was back in the UK.

'...so, I'll soon start checking out what's coming to the theatres, and see if I can worm my way in somewhere.'

Ville, who had been gazing at me, nodding attentively as I spoke, replied calmly, 'I'm sure you won't have any problem in that respect, sweetheart.'

I felt I had gotten used to the spaces between my fingers being filled by his, having almost forgotten that he was holding my hand until he squeezed it again. I returned my eyes to focus on his, realising that I had been glancing all around the room, looking at virtually anything but him as I spoke. Smiling, I opened my mouth to ask him to tell me everything that had been going on with him, but somehow, that wasn't what came out.

'Fuck, I miss you so much!'

My sudden outburst took Ville by surprise, but not as much as it did me. It was absolutely true, but absolutely not what I had been planning to say. It was like my brain went onto autopilot, and bypassed my conscious thought, favouring what my heart was screaming when I looked at Ville. It was too late, now, I couldn't take it back. That feeling was suddenly right there at the surface, and out of nowhere, I felt a sharp sting of tears in my eyes.

Ville quickly wiped the look of surprise from his face, softening all of his features. He unwove his hand from mine as I blinked back my tears, and he moved closer to me on the couch, reaching out his arm to wrap around me.

'But Nina,' he said, almost chuckling, 'I'm literally here.'

I laughed, wiping away the tears that had slipped from my eyes, despite my best efforts. 'I know,' I answered, accommodating myself in his arms. 'But I just.. I didn't realise how much I missed you until now, and it doesn't feel real. I missed you so much that I actually still miss you even though you couldn't really be any closer to me.'

Laughing, Ville nodded his head. 'You are totally mad, but I know what you mean.'

'You do?'

He nodded again. 'Of course I do. Listen, I know that things have been going well for both of us since...well, since we split up. I thought I had moved on, you know, I wasn't considering the possibility of seeing you again and I thought I was okay with that. But then, you called and...I got that feeling that you just described. That, fuck, I miss you so much.'

I sighed, shaking my head before resting it on his chest. 'I've been so stupid. I'm so sorry, Ville.'

Ville shushed me, gently stroking my hair. 'No, no,' he whispered, 'you haven't. Neither of us has. We just needed a little time.'

I shook my head again. 'I know, I know, but I should have at least answered your messages, at least made an effort to keep in touch...'

'No,' Ville replied, 'you did what was best for you at the time. It's no good talking about what we should have done. All we can do now is decide how to move forwards.'

I took a deep breath, gathering myself, and exhaled. A million thoughts were buzzing around in my head, but nothing seemed like the right thing to say in that moment. I just pulled myself even closer to him, inhaling his warm, comforting scent, letting the feeling of relief and security wash over me.

'So...' he murmured, 'are you ready to take that pin out?'

I nodded my head without hesitation. 'Oh, yes,' I replied. 'I'm ready.'

I pulled myself up to face him, staying as close to him as I could. As I met his eyes again, Ville was already inching towards me, his arms still around me, guiding me closer. The following seconds felt like hours as a sense of urgency struck me; suddenly, I couldn't take it any more, and, tangling my fingers in his velvety curls, I kissed him with more desire and desperation than I could contain.

He returned my kiss, equally ravenously. After such a long time, it felt like finding cool water in the middle of a desert: the more we kissed, the more I wanted, no, needed to kiss him. Ville's arms remained tightly around me, his fingers digging into my back as he tried desperately to pull me even closer.

'If you're wondering,' I panted, breathlessly, in between kisses, '...how I feel, it's like this...' I pulled away from Ville's lips, but stayed just millimetres away.

'I love you now as much as I ever did,' I breathed, 'I guess I just didn't realise it for too long.'

Ville kissed me one more time. 'I'm so glad,' he whispered in reply, 'because I think, if it's possible, now I love you even more.'