Anxiety: a short story

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Typical teenage life: you’re in a little stupid relationship that lasts maybe a month. Slightly stressing about school work. You need to pay for stuff; but you don’t feel like getting a job. You’re barely home, maybe partying, with friends, and watching Netflix. Maybe your story is a bit different, like mine; and that’s okay.

Anxiety and depression aren’t jokes. Having trouble getting out of bed each morning legitimately asking yourself why you’re still here. It takes a lot to go anywhere, being social is required. Or anywhere, period. You get anxiety over stupid shit. Shaking, sweating, usually on the verge of tears. Little things take you over the edge. Things people wouldn’t even imagine. People can say “oh, you have nothing to be stressed about”, all day, but they just don’t understand. Or “just don’t worry, it’s not even a big deal” are things you’ll hear on a daily basis.

You know how it is to have a song in your head, right? It won’t seem to go away. When you tell others, they’ll annoy you by singing the song to make it worse. You try to sing a different song but mix the lyrics. Anxiety is similar. It won’t simply “go away”. You’re constantly reminded of it. When you try to sleep; it can keep you awake. I’ve had anxiety dreams about the day ahead- I wake up midnight sweating, nauseous, and sometimes canceling whatever would be happening that day to avoid the potential stress depicted in the nightmare. You wake up early so you have time to process the night. You wake up so tired, you don’t think you slept. Sleep medication won’t help your racing thoughts. Your shaking. Your overthinking part of you.. If that's even a thing.

Social anxiety… it makes life a living hell. You can’t live much without socialization. Simply walking into a room, the majority of people wouldn’t overthink it. But you’re thinking about everything to the point you question how you look when you’re even breathing. You ask yourself a million questions in your head about who you will sit by, will there be strangers, will you be able to sit, your appearance, if you’ll have to talk, and the list goes on and on until you make excuses to leave early. When someone talks to you, its like you have to catch your breath in a desert. They ask if you’re good and you say you’re tired or just exercised and catching your breath. You do an anxious laugh and move on awkwardly. You find the bathroom and just stand there looking in the mirror looking at every part of your appearance. You tell yourself that you are sick and need to go home because you’re deep inside fearful that the anxiety will show and people will feel offended or hurt by it. Because they don’t understand you. They don’t believe you.

I haven’t had a best friend since elementary school. I’ve had friends and acquaintances who couldn’t begin to understand. Anxiety makes you feel trapped and alone. Somedays, you can hide it, and sometimes you burst. People then lose trust with you. You lose people you thought understood. They think you act a way for attention. People think you’re a complete psycho. Then you think you’re a failure. And the cycle begins over again. There’s no “easy” solution to help.. its just always there.

Getting a job is one of the hardest challenges. It stresses everyone out, but it’s slightly different when you have a disorder you can’t control at all. You’re already sweating and wishing you could die as you’re going into the interview. Sitting in the chair, waiting, feeling judged. They ask your strengths and things you’re proud of; and you sit there and think for a while. You want to look calm but your leg is uncontrollably jiggling. You fidget with a pen. You can literally feel sweat coming down your arm and hope they don’t notice. You don’t know what to say because you barely even made it to the interview. Your throat tightens up and your eyes water. You say a stupid answer, about a middle school little volunteer job, like walking dogs. Immediately you regret what you said and can’t give direct eye contact to the manager. You’re embarrassed. You tell yourself you need this job and need to get through it. You stay strong until you leave. When you get out, you have the worst migraine and pain in your stomach. You could pass out. You feel sick. Just because of an interview, that isn’t even a huge deal to most. Like I said, some days are worse than others. You have no choice sometimes but to throw yourself under the bus and try acting normal.

Being alone. It’s a blessing and a stressin. You’ve been literally dying to be alone all day. But that’s when the regrets come up and automatic reminders of the daily failures. Your brain cannot forget the past. You want to take a nap; but you’re extremely overwhelmed and it’s uncontrollable. You sometimes want to cry it out, and sometimes you sit in silence and keep it all inside. You are exhausted, can’t remember the last full sleep you’ve had. It’s crazy just how much thinking can exhaust you. A lot of times at this point, you either have a headache, or you are actually in the bathroom trying to breathe and sip water so you don’t throw up.

Tell yourself to stay strong. Others may tell you that. I’ve always wondered what it truly meant. How can you be strong when things are always going the complete opposite of your way?

My message to you, is that you are not alone in this fight. There are people who understand and maybe feel the same way you do. But they’re just as scared to express that. Don’t be afraid to take steps to better yourself. Do what’s best for you and your life. Don’t let people think you’re worth less than anything. You’re just as important as the one next to you without an anxiety disorder.

If you know someone struggling, be there for them. Be someone who will listen. Be willing to learn about others. One act of kindness can change someone’s day. And if they also pass it on, it could change the world to more acceptance.