musings of a flighty teenager

middle.

"why don't we try that plus size store?"
my mother asks

i am an in between person

in between boys and girls
in between belief and disbelief
in between self-care and self-hate
i am in between large and extra large
i am in between regular and plus sized
i am in between myself and my reflection

in my middle i am broken

my stomach twists at the sight of itself
my back aches at the sight of my chest
cherry red marks laced with old cuts
cover me from my thighs to my breasts
i pull back at my cheeks in the mirror
because no one would want to go near her

i was taught this by my mother
she probably meant well
when she said no man would want me
with the direction my sides swell
for seven years i've believed her
and i will for seven years, still
"i'll start tomorrow" is my mantra
but i'll die before that time gets killed

i am in between self-love and self-hate
i say i love my "curves," but i can't stand the weight
but i'll wait
for that tomorrow to come
where my middle isn't so in between
the additions are finally subtracted
where my middle isn't so in between
and i'm no longer the fat kid