musings of a flighty teenager

intersections.

"...i'm unbelievably sentimental, and you know, the best thing would be to actually be as earnest as I feel because I know what I'm doing. Just everything that I do, it knows what it is."
- matty healy, "give yourself a try"

i've learned a couple things in my twenty years. i wish i could even attempt to be as earnest as i feel about anything at all. everything takes so much effort, and most days, i feel as though working towards the goals i've set might be hopeless. i still have high standards for myself. circles. back to square one. i'm caught in an infinite loop. something's wrong with my code. is there a gene for them? for the abnormalities in my consciousness? in my soul? my spirituality? how could i be born with the faults of my father and have to suffer the consequences of a life that isn't my own? i'm told from day one that i get to choose my destiny, but am i not just responding to the choices already made for me? by people or by the universe, i can't say, but i'm so tired of suffering because of things i do not have the ability to control. paradoxical. i'm told from day one to make my life happen, but am i not just a product of luck? born to the right parents with the right amount of money at the right time in the right place with the right skin color and the right sex? my intersectionality is a four-way stop featuring religion and sexuality and politics and love all revving up to see who will run their signs first. i'm pinned under a wheel and my heart is six feet away on sexuality with chunks of my brain on religion. my fingers, strangely enough, have found their way onto politics' hood, which is funny, because they've never had the chance to touch a damn thing on that score. love remains at its stop sign. the retroreflectors across that octagon shine through the spectrum. upon noticing these colors, not my mangled body spread over the three cars here, love parks because it's afraid that it will hurt me further. you stand there staring. you say i deserved to be hit. i didn't get out of the way in time.
i can't dodge things that move faster than i do.
i can't control things that are bigger than i am.
i can't live with things that want to kill me.
i peel myself off the pavement and put myself back together. i've learned how to by now. i climb inside love and put it in drive. maybe now i'm being as earnest as i feel by taking matters into my own hands. i don't know where this car came from, but i can choose where it goes from here. i'll miss seeing you there at the intersection. you never said much, but you cared enough to watch. that was something, at least.