Shattered glass

141

I take a drag of my cigarette as I was looking out over the high rise of the sun.
I had never noticed how beautiful the city was at night when you looked from the above.

But it does not matter now, nothing really matters anymore. For it all will end for me today anyways.

I'm not really sure if I'm depressed.
I mean, I'm not upset.
But one cannot say that I am particularly happy either.
I can laugh, fool around and smile all day long, but as soon as I'm alone, I forget how to feel.
I get numb.
These are the times when my thoughts drives away, engrossed in the idea of ​​you in my arms.
I can understand why you decided to leave, and I don't blame you at all.
Because, I know that I was hard to love.

I am a chronic over-thinker, and I overreact too often over the small, simple things.
And sometimes I was maybe a little too unsure of you, me and us.
But it does not change anything, I was yours, and I loved you with everything I had.
I promised you that I would love you with all my heart bear.
I threw everything in my hands just for you to be happy, but now that I look back on us, I can see that it was artificial. I know it was an artificial love seen through your gray eyes.

And it hurts because I know that you never looked at me the same way I always looked at you. You painted my black world in all of the colours of the rainbow, but when we came to yours, I ran out of paint, it remained dull, gray and dull. And as the naive person I was before you, I never thought of when others said how painful a broken heart could be.

But I can feel it now, I have been able to feel it ever since the day when it was me who was lying on the stone hard floor, mascara running down my cheeks as I gasped for air, I cried.

So how dare you say that you have never killed anyone. Because in the dark night you left me, you killed the last living part of me.

My thoughts throws themself back again to one of our thousand quarrels.

"You were perfect to just play with" his laughter drilled through my skin, toxic words made me numb. I did not know what to do with myself, so I just sat, watched as he transformed our room into a hell. I tried to fight back, but the otherwise perfect facade I had built up burst instantly as he painted my body blue.

"Sorry, but I do not know why you're crying" he lifted my wet chin up, made me look into his black eyes. His eyes bore through me, I tried to look away, but his fierce hold hardened the more I tried to get free from his grasps.

"You make me feel guilty for no reason, remove that pitiful face from my sight"

He turned his back and took a swig from the bottle I had caught myself hating after I saw what it did to him. I tried to get him to calm down, but it was to no avail, he was like a cold wall. But in the cold that had taken over him I found my own warmth. And I guess that's why I always stayed, even though it always ended the same way. He pushed me away from him, as if I was garbage, "I deserve better than you" true, but the question was whether he would ever find someone who would love him just as I had always done.

"You have ruined me, you selfish idiot!" false, he destroyed himself, though he would not admit it. He was his own undoing.

I shake my head again and again, bringing myself back to the cold concrete, I will not remember.
But deep down I know that it's too late to forget the memory of him and what we had, it has already been drilled into me.

"I know, I know that you were really good to me." I was lying to myself, but that's what kept me alive. I needed to lie to myself to live with the pain, I had lost the only person I had ever loved, I could see how small pieces of him were slowly disappearing day by day.