SAUDADE ; [ narry ]

CHAPTER 2.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12, 1995 ; 1:23 pm

If you asked Niall what his biggest fear was two days ago, he would have written 'going insane' in big, bold letters. Now, if you asked him what his biggest fear is, he'd clam up, his fists shaking and nails digging into the palms of his hands hard enough to draw blood. The question was a trigger for him, something that made it easier to go back into his comfy shell. The encounter with the man recently may have looked minuscule to anyone from the outside looking in, but Niall was beginning to fear school even more than he did already. 

The warm and joyful weather was ironic given his mental state at the past day or two. He hadn't eaten since Monday - and that says a lot because Niall considered eating to be one of his favorite pastimes - yet the sun still sent its rays down to the earth and gave happiness to everyone in its path. He hadn't slept more than 2 hours a night and still people flourished with smiles all around him, making a scowl inch its way onto his face. 

As selfish as it sounded, he wanted others to understand and feel the pain he felt whenever he took a breath. He needed comfort and could have recieved it from so many people but the poor boy found it easier to suffer in silence than it was to put his problems on someone else. Niall never wanted to be a burden, yet thats what he felt like day in and day out. He felt like a stain on a persons shirt, nasty and unwanted. The only thing that could really remove it was a good dose of bleach. But Niall's mind hadn't wandered that far yet. 

The young lad was sitting in his usual secluded spot in AP psychology, trying to pay attention to the lesson but his heart just wasn't fully there. Oddly enough, the class was discussing the symptoms, causes, and influences of mood disorders, one of them being his own.

Schizophrenia.

The symptoms had started at a rare and fairly early age for Niall. Niall wanted to believe he wasn't truly a nutjob and blamed it on an incident involving a few other people when he was younger. He repressed memories, and used defense mechanisms to hide himself in his own little shell of silence.

The insomnia started when he was ten. On a good day, Niall got about 5 hours of sleep at most, and the bags under his eyes were pretty easy to spot.

When he turned 12, his appetite was scattered. There would be days when he would eat constantly and always feel hungry, but then his hunger would dwindle and he'd go as long as possible without eating more than a single plate of food.

At 13, the hallucinations kicked in. He heard voices, claimed he saw things and became friends again with his old imaginary friend he liked to call Piper. His parents were seperated at the time and both were only mildly aware of these symptoms since Niall didn't want to be a burden to them.

From then on, the symptoms were on and off, he was in and out of the hospital for passing out due to dehydration and eventually his parents set him up with a therapist around the age of 17.

One might think he would feel self conscious, or even fearful, but in fact he felt calm for a minute. He sat still, loose fists laying on the wooden desk as his head of blonde hair was for once visible through the sea of heads. Niall almost never put his head up because he didn't like being seen. 

He listened quietly to the students read of their notes to one another and caught small snippets of what they would say. 

"Delusions..."

"Hallucinations are more common in..."

"Affects a persons ability to think, feel and behave properly..." 

" ... last for years..."

All the words and phrases and facts acted like bullets. 

And in that moment, Niall was bulletproof.