"i'm going to do it," i whisper to myself, letting the wind whisper melancholic thoughts into my mind as it dances softly against my skin. salt water swiftly guides its way down my soft cheek and looking back at the asphalt, i watch various cars and trucks speed by. the goose pimples make their way down my bare arms, leading down to the red ribbons slid across my wrist horizontally. i feel my jeans tight against my thighs, gagging at the disgusting sight i probably am to the pedestrians passing by.
i was situated in the state of mind that felt like complete darkness, like i was a pathetic plebeian whom wished to end their own existence over nothing. there was nothing to feel upset over, no complications my life had been subjected to. i was at fault for making myself unable to feel happiness and it was forever my fault i couldn't even find motivation to get up everyday. i had done this.
the blue sky was transforming into a deep grey a bit more every time i opened my eyes and it was frightening to think about how my vision could cope with seeing the only coloured thing in my mind turn to the bleak shade everything else had.
i grab at the concrete frame of the sturdy bridge and focus my eyes onto the muddy water staring back up at me from below. they say drowning is the worst way to go but it was the most easily accessed way to kill someone. so many accidents happened on this bridge and to most's disbelief, more of these accidents turned to be suicides.
many stories were shared with me about how those who survived these tremendous falls regret jumping after their feet lift off the ground.
i sniff unattractively, unable to move from my frozen position. i was paralysed in fear as i realised i was petrified of heights like this. my mouth hung open and my tongue was drying up from the sudden exposure to the cold air. my lips were chapped and the usual colour of cherry red had turned to more of a pastel pink. the tip of my unusually large nose had turned to a tomato's skin, as well as my dotted cheeks. i could feel a delicate snowflake fall gingerly on the hairs of my left eyebrow as i didn't move.
instead of a cry for help, barely a squeak had come out of my mouth and i felt sad for not even being able to climb up on the rough surface. there was no hope in hell i was going to jump. the sudden rush of adrenaline i was inflicted by earlier convinced me i wasn't scared but as i pondered about it, i didn't know how to feel. the feelings towards heights had remained the same but the crippling urge to expire was still fresh in my soul.
"maybe another day," i whisper to myself, breathing heavily as my heart pounded in my chest. i was suffering from a panic attack but i couldn't notice over the fact i just convinced myself out of dying over the pure fear of method. i manage to push my right foot behind the left one and i went tumbling backwards, quickly scampering away from the edge. 'maybe another day,' i repeat in my head, knowing i would return a different time.
a/n: inspired by harry styles', "sign of the times"
-k
