My Quote\Feelings\Rant\Vent Book

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Some people just don't understand, some people give me a lecture about letting people help me, but why should I? All I do is push others away to make them hate me, so I can finally end my life, no one truly cares if they always yell at me for stupid shit i don't do, i only do it because voices in my head say to, i get jealous when a girl flirts or talks with my best friend, because only he cares, but with those fake ass girls, he'll turn as shitty as the sewers, and he wouldn't care, in fact today, i was in my worst mood, no one replied to my texts, so i felt not cared for, i just wanted to roll up into a ball on a floor of spikes and just DIE! When i said that i might as well kill myself, no one gave a fuck, so I'm writing this right now, incase i don't kill myself and look back at this and wonder 'Why did anyone not care? They aren't my true friends, thats why!' Then i would try and lose contact, but when im in my darkest time, i will crawl back and beg for forgiveness, because i cant live with no one giving no fucks, then i would realize they aren't a true friend if im upset and they don't notice, just hang out with the fake people, so why not? Some fucking bad people think that people dying by suicide is just for ATTENTION, but its not, its about getting away from this cruel ass world, but no one really sees it that way... do they? As i was typing this, my Online best friend who is one hour ahead, said she wasn't ignoring me, she was simply asleep and i know she cares, because even with our darkest times, she, no matter what, always says she promises to stay by my side, and i get mad at her for multiple reasons, but i still love her, she's REAL! She's kinda like me, she's judged, she has life problems, but i love being her friend just for being herself! So i told her to sleep, because i didn't have school yet she did, and it was 1:00 for her, she would wake up when she could and just talk, but i didn't let her because i wanted her to know i care about her and how much i want her to grow into the woman i know she will be, she's truly amazing, but does anyone care about those kind of people? Sure i used to be a bully who judged when i was younger, but as i grew i became more antisocial and less mean, I believe that God will help me one day or another, but why not help me when i feel horrible? No i don't truly believe that, but what if its true? I should stop before this gets to over 1000+ words, Goodnight or Morning Beans, I Love Yall!