one of these nights » knj.

namjoon

i have never felt so hurt until you stopped coming to the park. but namjoon, i still sit here, under the nightsky where we met, waiting for you to come back and say that you missed me. you missed the nightsky. you missed us, doing our own little thing under the peaceful nightsky.

but i think you don't.

you don't miss anything between us and i even think you don't remember.

but i still hope you do.

i'm confusing, huh?

i guess this is what happens when you lose yourself.

i don't even know if i'm still in my right mind. because if i was still sane, i should be hateful towards the world, especially to the nightsky, for making it seem like we were destined to be by each other's side, to watch the sky—may it be cloudy, clear, starry—as long as it is there. i should have hated the park, for being the bridge to a bittersweet relationship i had with you, for being the place where we met and where we parted. i should be angry at the rain, for witnessing the happiest day of my life and also being there in the worst day. i should just hate and stop because after you left, it seemed as if everything was against me, against us.

you might not know, but i did not. maybe i did, for a moment, or a day, or maybe just an hour. but i didn't.

i never blamed anything, anyone, and just clinged to an unspoken promise that you might come back to me. a promise i'm the only one aware of. a promise i've hold onto since you never told me i could leave. maybe you will someday, but as long as you don't, it will be my little speck of light that maybe, just maybe, you will return to me.

you must be proud of me because i still came back to the park, i still sat on our usual spot, i still watched the nightsky 'til i get tired, i still waited for you.

i also watched you from afar.

i watched you as you reach for your dreams, as you become successful, known, loved, idolized, taken care of, as you become one with the one thing you have always adored—the nightsky.

i watched all of these happen in the span of two years.

some may call me crazy or delusional but i still think and believe that you will return.

on some nights, it will rain even when the forecast clearly said that it won't. those are the days i am lonely, namjoon. maybe more than lonely.

so lonely, i guess. hurt, broken, hollow. anything negative can fairly describe me.

those are the days that my whole body aches with pain because it misses a part of it, and that part is still with you.

it has become yours.

you.

and the worst thing?

you don't even know.

so i just let out warm tears under the cold downfall hoping that my sadness would reach to you and you will realize that you left someone dying and you are the only one that can save her.

my tiny ray of hope was getting smaller as time passes by and i know that someday it will soon be gone and i will finally start to forget you and i will finally fill up the space you took and left behind.

that includes not lying or staying on the park at all, that includes not adoring the nightsky, that includes forgetting your poems, the stories you told me, the way your eyes shined under the moonlight, the way your voice soothes my body like a sweet serenade, the way you look at me with much adore and wonder, the way you call my name—like a fragile glass you're afraid to ever crack, the way you breathe in the cold air around us, the way you laugh at things i say, the way you get excited or sad or angry, the way i feel whenever our skins accidentally make contact, and many more.