Lords & Ladies of the M'Verse: An Ooorah Anthology

Day 1 - MadMikeMarsbergen's Local Legend

Local Legend

by MadMikeMarsbergen

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"Tell us The Story again, Oh Wise One," the children shouted in the village one night.

"The Story?" Oh Wise One thought for a moment, remembering the details that had been passed down from one Oh Wise One to the next, generation after generation. She nodded and took a long hit off her dookie pipe. When her stomach had been sufficiently unsettled, she took a dump into her hand and threw it into the fire. The stench revolted her, but it was necessary—for both mood and hallucinogenic purposes. This was an age-old tradition, a custom handed down from the first to the last.

The children, high off the fumes, bobbed forwards and back. Trying to stay conscious. One girl had a seizure and foamed at the mouth.

"Many solar cycles ago," Oh Wise One continued, "there was The Legend. The Legend was a man, though some say he was actually a woman, while others say she was neither man nor woman but actually a monkey riding a dog hanging from the tail of an elephant in the bowels of a dinosaur. What they all say is that The Legend saved us from The Invaders. He killed five hundred Invaders with his bare hands—"

One of the children in the back—able to breathe enough clean air to stay sober, the brat—raised their hand. "Um, Miss Oh Wise One? You said the other night The Legend killed two hundred Invaders..."

"I'm afraid not, Elroof. The Story states quite clearly that The Legend killed one thousand Invaders with his bare hands."

"But you just said five—"

"Hush, child. As I was saying: The Legend killed ten thousand Invaders with his bare hands, and singlehandedly put a stop to The Invasion. He left our world and went into hiding in a place called The Hiding Place. We lived many solar cycles in peace thereafter. This was a time we have called The Peace. But we always knew The Peace would not last forever. It was read in the stars that The Peace would one day end and The Invasion would begin anew. And so The Story goes, The Legend would return from his sojourn across the stars to our side, and once again fight off The Invaders. And once and for all, they would be beaten."

"That's enough of those damn faggot tales," said Rude Jude from the tent. He snapped the elastic waistband of his speedo against his pale belly, then cocked his slug-thrower. "We Invaders ain't gettin' got by no longhaired Legend. Get that through your numb heads, dummies."

"Please don't curse in front of the children," said Oh Wise One.

"Wrap up the tale, woman. My snake needs charmin'." He flicked his tongue and a droplet of drool hit one of his erect nipples.

"As I was saying," she continued, suddenly feeling anxious, "The Legend is eleven feet tall and will save us."

Rude Jude giggled. "Eleven feet! That's good. That's real good. Kids, go to bed or I'll shoot you dead. Woman, come tell a story to my little one. Or I'll cut off your tatas and put 'em on a meat-lover's pizza. I hope you doped your ass up enough wit' that dookie pipe. 'Cause I'm feelin' feisty tonight. I'm feelin' mean."

Oh Wise One did as she was told. She had to. There was no other choice here. It was the only thing keeping those children safe from The Invaders. They were a cruel race, and those children had had enough cruelty in their lives already. As she begrudgingly performed her service, she said a silent prayer to the stars.

Legend, she thought, the time has come for your return.

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