Love Kills

It's a Hard Life

"Colin?"

"Hmm?" George liked Colin's hum that had become strangely familiar to him.

"Can you tell me more about your past?"

Colin did not want to talk about his past. He did not want to share his history with anybody, especially not himself. The thought of digging up in repressed stories and emotions made him more than uneasy. Nevertheless, he wanted George to be interested in him, and with all that the boy had told him, he thought it was a reasonable request of him. He had already told George so much, would it really hurt for him to know a little bit more?

"I only know that you have grown up in a rich family and that they are mormons." George said in an attempt to make Colin open up more.

"There is not much to tell," Colin lied, but he wasn't fooling George. After all, it was his life's story. Colin sighed and started talking.

"I, erm, I always tried to be a very good kid. I did," he smiled sadly at the memories.

"I always did my homework, I never used bad words... you know the drill..." George did not, but he didn't say anything.

"When I was 16 years old, I got this stupid crush on a guy, his name doesn't matter, but I really liked him. I was stupid, I know, but he was kind to me and clever and funny... I just really liked him. I thought my parents would be okay with me being gay. They had of course expressed annoyance at gay people before, but I was sure that they would eventually accept me, especially since I'm their son. I thought that once they found out it was real love, they would be happy for me." Colin let out a dry laugh, but his eyes showed no sign of joy as they stiffly focused on the road.

"No, my parents said homosexuality was unnatural and against their precious religion. I was a sinner, and evil would come upon me. I mean, they always said that: "don't eat the cookies Colin, Satan watches you. Don't open any Christmas gifts early Colin, God will send you to Hell if you don't listen, evil will come upon you, Colin. You will lose your soul, and people without a soul will be pushed towards the high edge, until they fall down the cliff and tumble into a deep, black pit filled with Hellfire"... But this time was different, this time they really hated me. I had not just simply performed a sin, I had become some sort of monster to them." Colin swallowed as he kept staring at the road.

"They threatened you with going to Hell when you were a child?" George hadn't exactly had amazing care from his mother, but he was still shocked when hearing how Colin was manipulated as a child.

"Yeah, well... When they, after all my years of being a faithful and loving son, disapproved of my sexuality, they kicked me out. It happened quite fast as well. Told me I wasn't their son anymore. I moved in with the guy I loved. I remember how nice he was to me. He comforted me, let me stay and gave me new clothes. I tried helping out with householding tasks in the beginning, eager to show him how grateful I was for all he had done for me. He was grateful too I seemed, at least in the beginning, but he would demand these things of me after a while." Colin chuckled again.

"I, erm, I remember he came home from a night out. I welcomed him, but he harshly pushed me away, called me a desperate slut. Then he ordered me to make him a sandwich. I mean, a sandwich, really? That is so stereotypical." Colin tried to laugh, but it came out more as a dry cough. Despite his efforts, he couldn't preserve his usual charm. For a moment he just breathed heavily while clenching his fists. George didn't really know what to do, so he just sat in silence until Colin continued his story.

"After a while he started calling me names more often, especially slut and whore. I sort of believed him, like, it made sense to me when he explained that since I paid rent by sleeping with him I was nothing but a whore, a prostitute. My self-esteem was really low at that time. I had trouble going out of the house and meeting people. Simple things like going to the grocery store stressed me out immensely, as I knew I had to interact with people when buying things. My parents' thoughts on me had affected me greatly, and my boyfriend brought me down even further. For a long time I blamed myself for letting him bring me down. I didn't really do anything to stop him, so I felt it was my own fault. It wasn't until many years later that I realized he had abused me verbally, mentally, physically... sexually. One day while we were fighting, he beat me and I hit my head against the closet. I think that hit woke me up or something, at least it made me realize I had to get away. I grabbed the first thing that caught my eye, a bedside table lamp. It was actually a rather nice lamp, white, with blue flowers painted on it. It felt the weight of the lamp in my hand as I ripped it out of the outlet. lifted it over my head and swung it against his skull. He instantly fell to the ground, as if his body had punctured and the air ran out of it. He suddenly looked so weak and broken. I laughed, but can't remember if I found the situation laughable or if I was just relieved." Colin was silent for a moment, contemplating if he should say more. He decided he had opened up enough to let George know the rest. In a way it felt like an enormous relief to spill out his story like this. It felt so good to finally let it all out.