Year 420.. day 911.
I'm still in space..
Wait, crap, I didn't introduce myself. This is Elana. I know, I'm not dead. It's crazy, right? Well just before Celestia turned my world into ash, I was teleported into space by some purple mare named Twilight. She said she saw me fight Celestia and wanted to help me get revenge. We've been floating around since then, stopping on random planets periodically to refuel and get help. Twilight says that she isn't powerful enough to perform a transdimentional spell, but she says that there is a high possibility that other lifeforms in our universe have created the technology to do so. So we've spent all our time hopping from planet to planet, looking and hoping we find someone or something with it.
Twilight and I have grown pretty close during our time together. We have to. We're all we have. She's always telling me about an old friend of hers, a human, named Jewjitsu. Apparently Jewjitsu stumbled into her world by accident, in an attempt to find his father. Celestia and her ex-girlfriend, named Chrysalis, found him first and tossed him in a dungeon where he suffered for years before Twilight found him. Twilight said that she'd sit with him for hours, talking about the same thing. He was always telling stories about this ancient force of warriors known as Thot Patrol. Founded on the principles of Moses, who famously said "If she breath she thot.", they fought to rid the world of the perils of the thotties. They were initially formed in 1189 during the Second Crusade to aid in the fight against Muslim Thots. They were relentless, executing millions of thots. He said they were still going strong until he left in 1957 or something. Twilight said she was sure that they were still in existence even until my time. Until my world was destroyed. She says that we now have to continue the legacy of Thot Patrol, and that we'll only accomplish that goal by defeating Celestia, the princess of all thots. Celestia is apparently the biggest thot the multiverse has ever witnessed. By defeating her, we'll destroy the last of the thots and usher in a new age of multiversal peace.
I think it's a load of bullshit, quite honestly, but who am I to talk? I just want to kill the bitch who destroyed my world.
"You're not very good at that.."
"Shut up, Twilight. That was my first try."
"Still trash, though. I saved Equestria on my first try."
"That's different."
"Yeah, you're right actually. Saving an entire fucking country is a lot harder than putting together a shitty version of a Captain's Log."
Elana groaned, "Let's just get some gas so we can get off this dump of a planet. It smells like Landiti's rotting pussy."
"Who's Landiti?"
"The queen of Ls. Legend has it that if she touches you, you become a literal L."
"Damn.. fuck that. She's not real is she?"
"People have denied her existence but I've seen her with my own eyes."
"Really?"
"Well, not exactly. I read about it in my AP World History class that I definitely failef despite having a 95 average before exams."
"Sounds trash."
"It was. Anyway, apparently there was this guy who actually encountered her, and he managed to escape her clutches by sliding a credit card through her neck fat."
"Lit. What was the guy's name?"
"The book didn't actually say, but most speculated that it was.. um.. oh right! Porn McGorn."
Twilight froze. "P-Porn McGorn?" She repeated.
"Yeah, I think."
"That's the Jewjitsu guy I was telling you about! Oh my gosh, I can't believe it. Jewjitsu was in your history books!"
"It's not that big a deal. I'm more impressed by the fact that the guy managed to escape the clutches of a monster like that."
"You don't understand, your world's children were able to learn a little bit about Jewjitsu! They got to know the man who may or may not have been in Thot Patrol!"
"If he was in actually a group called Thot Patrol, then my school would've banned the book under the false pretense that it somehow violates school policy even though it doesn't."
"School policy? More like.. L-chooL LoLicy."
"W."
"Oh shit look, there's a gas station. Finally!"
The two deadass booked it to the small gas station. When Elana got to the door, rather than open it like a normal person, she kicked the bitch, hopped inside, and yelled, "Where da white women at?"
"Oh!" A man wearing all red screamed.
"Oh shit!" Elana yelled as she pointed at the man, "Issa Communist my nigga!"
"How can I be a Communist if I have money?"
"Nigga shut yo ass up, you're wearing all red."
"Well you have red hair."
"Oh my gawd, Communist scum, my hair is not red!"
"Yes it is."
"How?"
"Because I said so. Oh, rekt."
Twilight laughed, "He got your ass, Elana."
Elana just glared at the man. Commie scum ignored her and went back to buying... wait a minute.. Is that.. It was a book. She read the title. Fun With Pun. By Crawtron Crawbo. "Pun God? Is that you?!" Elana shouted.
"Oh no, quite the unfortunate tragedy has occured. The protection of cover that is around me has been utterly destroyed! Escape has now become my only means of success!"
"Nigga what?" Twilight asked, confused.
Pun God did not answer her, rather, he ran up to Elana, slapped her hand and ran out of the building. Elana didn't know how to react to that. It didn't hurt, but the action was so goddamn retarded that she questioned whether or not she had any brain cells left. Pun God almost made it to his oversized airship when he was surrounded by a powerful aura of magic. He could no longer move. "Darn! I have been seized!"
"Damn straight." Said Twilight, "I'll let you go if you help us out."
"What is the predicament in which you may possibly need assistance for, madam?"
"Stop talking like that! It's annoying."
"Ok. Now you have to let me go."
"What, why?"
"I asked what you wanted from me and you requested that I stop talking the way I was talking. I've done that so now you have to let me go."
"Damn.. you're good." Twilight said as she released Pun God from her spell.
Pun God started to make his way to his airship again when, suddenly, Elana spoke up, "Please help us! We need you!"
"What do you need me for? I just make puns."
"You're also really knowledgeable in the Sciences! You could help us get to where we're going!"
"I dunno. You two seem extremely hostile."
"Aw come on!" Twilight pleaded, "We'll do anything!"
"Anything?" Pun God asked.
"Anything."
"Okay. I'll help you."
"Yes! Thank you so much!"
"Follow me."
Twilight and Elana followed Pun God into his oversized airship. As they walked inside, Pun God suddenly handed them both Algebra II textbooks.
"The fuck is this?" Asked Twilight.
"You said you'd do anything, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, tell me where you need to go, and while I find a way to get there, you two can do every problem in those textbooks."
"You're a fucking madman!" Yelled Twilight.
"No, I'm just a Communist." Pun God replied.
