The Pain of Loving Her

Chapter 10

"Lexa wake up. You are going to miss the bus," my mother shouts as she flips on my light and turns off the fan. I roll over and look at my phone. It is only 6:00. What the hell? I don't have to leave until 7:00 that means I can sleep until at least 6:40. I could even push it to 6:45 is I just wear the sweats and shirt I slept in. Why she woke me up so early I have no idea. I guess she hopes that it may motivate me to get up and put some effort into my appearance. I don't really care what people think of my looks. Who do I have to impress except for Clarke and she doesn't care. Or does she? Shit. I jump out of bed and start digging through my drawer and closet. I find a pair jeans, and a flannel shirt. I debate whether to go with converse or tan combat boots. I choose the boots they seem nicer. I sprint to the bathroom and begin to mess with my hair. I quickly braid it because it is pointless to try to wear it down since I didn't shower this morning. When I am satisfied with my look I walk to the kitchen.

"What boy are you trying to impress?" my mother asks.

"I am not trying to impress a boy."

"Well you are in jeans and boots and that is a step up from your normal outfits,"

"Funny," I say and grab a banana then go back to my room to finish packing my backpack. As I am walking out of my room my phone buzzes.

Clarke: Good morning babe. I left a bit early this morning so I figured I would swing by a give you a ride to school. Be there in like five minutes.

The smile on my face must be huge right now. First, she called me babe. I never understood the point of that word until now. Then she got up early just so she could give me a ride. She will probably deny that she got ready early just to see me but knowing her it is probably true. I wait by the door it feels like it is taking forever. I keep checking the time on my phone and its like the minutes are refusing to increase. I finally see her headlights. It takes all I have in me not to run out the door. I force myself to take a deep breath and calmly walk to her car.

"Hey you" Clarke says as I throw my stuff in the back.

"Hey." I reply as I slide into the shotgun seat. The nerves are building up. I am really not sure how to act in this stage of relationship. My anxiety kicks in and my hand starts to shake a but. I put them on my knee hoping to hide it.

"Relax Lex," Clarke says as she places her hand in my shaky one. Shit I have never been this embarrassed. She must think I am such an idiot.

"Sorry." Is all I can manage to say. It must have been the wrong thing to say because Clarke chuckles a bit.

"You're cute when you're nervous. But you don't need to be." She squeezes my hand to reassure me and I calm down.

We ride the rest of the way to school like we usually ride in her car. We listen to outrageous songs and laugh and joke. The only difference is her hand never leaves mine.

When we get to school our hands have to separate. They don't interlock again. After the events on Saturday we decided that we would take things slow. Also, that we are not going to make anything public yet.  It may be a bit before we are both ready to share this with people. I walk Clarke to her class which is nothing out of the ordinary. When we reach her class she turns to face me.

"So I guess I will wait for you after class then" Clarke says with a smile.

"Okay," I smile back. "I mean if that's what you want to do. I know you like to get to the next class as soon as possible. So I wouldn't want to slow you down."

"You're adorable. I will see you after this class,"

"Okay see you then babe." I quickly glance around hoping that no one heard me say that. Clarke laughs and walks into class.

I walk happily to first period. Anya is already in her seat. I haven't talk to her much except in class. With her soccer and my golf we both just never have time to hang out.

"What's with the grin Lexa?" Damn it. What do I say?

"I'm just happy I guess."

"And who is making you so happy?"

"How do you know it is a who? Maybe I am just happy for no reason."

"I have known you for years I know when something is up. Now who is this boy?"

I figure I should probably tell her. I mean Octavia already knows and Anya is one of my best friends so I can trust her. Or at least I hope. I take a quick look around the room and no one seems to be paying any attention to us so I guess now is as good as a time as any.

"Anya there is something I need to tell you." I take one more look around. "I'm a...Well what I am trying to say is that I am... That I like..."

"Lexa just spit it out."

"I'm gay." I say it so quickly that I don't even know if she heard me. It hits me all of the sudden that it is the first time I have used that word to describe myself to anyone. 

"No shit man." Her response takes me by surprise, why did everyone seem to know this already.  "I have known for a while. You kind of make it obvious especially when you are around Clarke. I have just been waiting for you to admit it."

"So you are okay with it?" I ask nervously.

"Why would I not be? The only thing I am kind of upset with is that you didn't tell me sooner."

"Sorry I was trying to figure it out my myself."

"Well I am happy for you man. We should probably get to work." I turn around and begin working on the assignment. Before I know it the bell is ringing.

I walk down the hallway quicker than normal. When I reach Clarke I grab her hand and pull her into a deserted side hallway.

"Lexa where are you taking me?" I stop and face her.

"I don't want you to be mad but I told Anya about us."

"Lex, I am not mad, I really don't care if you tell anyone. Besides  I figured Anya already knew." That's a relief. We look at each other for a few seconds and I take in how happy I am right now.

"Can I kiss you?" I blurt out. She just smiles wider and so I quickly kiss her.

"Wow Lex. I was expecting more than that. If we didn't have to get to class in less than two minutes I would ask for another one." I fake a sad look and we both laugh. " Now lets get a move on it before we are late Miss Woods."  

We walk down the hallway. And I think about how this is the happiest I have been in a long time. I hope this feeling never goes away.