The Pain of Loving Her

Chapter 24

It's been about a month since I got kicked out. Even though I live with Clarke I barely see her. School, working at a restaurant and then basketball concessions leave me exhausted. Most nights I don't come home until 10 and then I sit at the kitchen table or the desk in Abby's office to get my homework completed. I'm lucky to crawl into bed by midnight. Several nights Clarke has come down stairs to find me asleep. She will gently wake me up and then help me up the stairs to her room. One night it was so bad that we both just cuddle up on the couch. It sucks not being able to be with her all the time. She makes an effort though to see me as much as possible. Clarke works at a daycare until six. So when she gets off work sometimes she will bring me dinner and eat with me during the short breaks I get. She also tries to pick me up once a week because she hates that I take the bus. Hopefully in a few more weeks I can get a car. Abby claimed that if I kept pushing myself I wasn't going to make it and that I need rest. "Doctor's orders" she said as I reluctantly called in to work so I could have the weekend over.

"Hey babe" Clarke wraps her arms around me as she approaches her car after school. "You ready for this?"

"An entire  weekend where I get to spend every minute snuggled up to my beautiful girlfriend watching every Harry Potter movie?" I kiss her forehead "Not at all. Think I would rather be working honestly."

"I mean if that's what you want. I'm sure Bell would watch with me." I know she's joking but that kind of hurt.

"Did I just hear someone say my name?" Of course he had to be walking past us at that exact moment.
Bellamy walks over to us. Clarke let's go of me. I grab her hand which she reluctantly lets rest in mine. Why is she like this? It just makes me more worried. It's happened a lot recently. I notice the release of the hand or the extra space between us when certain people are around. It's the worst around Bellamy half the time in Spanish it's like I'm not even there. I just watch them converse about anything and everything. I'm not even paying attention to the conversation until I feel Clarke's hand slip. I snap back to reality only to see Clarke nudging Bellamy's shoulder and laughing. It's truly like I'm not even there and I know I must stop it. Without a second thought I wrap my arms around her midsection in hug and start laughing along with them. I kiss Clarke on the cheek several times. I want to make sure they both know that I'm still very much next to them. Clarke shoves me away though. If that's how she is going to be then I'm not going to be around her. I begin walking down the sidewalk I don't really care that it is only 25 degrees I don't want to be in the car with her. 

"Hey Lexa you need a ride?" Octavia pulls up beside me.

"Umm sure. Don't really know to where though" I jump in her truck. We don't move.

"I saw the whole Bellamy thing. I don't blame you for walking away but you are going to need to talk to her about it. You know she probably doesn't realize what she is doing."

"I know but she knows how I feel when he's around. She use to always make sure I was okay with who ever she was with. And I don't really care because I'm not going to be that girlfriend but lately she has seem distant like she won't even hold my hand" I don't want to let my emotions get the better of me. "Hell she didn't even try to come after me."

"I give it about 30 seconds until she calls." And just like my phone rings. I look at her confused. "I can still see her from the rear view mirror. Now give me that" She takes the phone and puts it on speaker.

"Lexa where the hell are you?" She sounds more angry than concerned.

"She's with me. Since you were with one Blake she decide to go with the other" Octavia smiles at me. "Don't worry I'm returning her now." With that she hangs up and drives me to Clarke's car. I get out nervously waiting for this conversation. Instead of accepting the hug Clarke reached for I walk to the passenger side and get in. Octavia and Clarke are in the middle of a conversation right now so I pull out my phone. I'm drawn away from the screen by a slam of her door. She doesn't say a word instead drives off. We have passed both streets to get to her house. Within minutes I realize the destination, the waterfront. She gets out of her car and starts walking, not even looking back to see if I'm following. Of course I am.  I just made sure she had her keys and the door was locked. We walk for a bit until she suddenly stops and I recognize the spot. She turns around quickly.