Light

Chapter 3: Lamplight

My back curled painfully as I stood. I tripped over a root in the grass and made my way out of the park like a stumbling drunkard. Tears blurred my vision and I frantically wiped them away. The air was cold and the sky, bare. The street lights burned with tired energy that amplified the darkness. I stopped walking for a moment and looked around. Larissa had called Purslane Estate a gutter, and the littered streets proved her right.

I walked on blindly as the wind dried the tears on my cheeks.  Dad didn't care about me. He never sent me anything, not even a birthday card. He called on my birthday once, but I was too stunned to speak to him, it had felt surreal. I stopped to lean against a cracked wall, and grazed my fingers against the rough bricks. The pain felt good, and I dug my knuckles in hard. Who would care if I died? Mum was always annoyed with me, in her eyes I was a failure, the child she always had to pick up after. Joshua was strong and decisive, he never got low grades like me. The only reason he was retaking the year, was because he needed an extra A Level in maths to meet the entry requirements for a degree in architecture. I was the stupid one, the hopeless loner, the sensitive one. My throat hurt as I held back the sobs. Nobody cared about me. My fist bled as I pushed it even harder into the rough wall. Joshua had his friends, Mum had Aunt Rosie, and there I was left alone. Nobody cared about me.

It really didn't matter whether I carried on living or not.

The thought brought me to my knees and I sank to the ground, sobbing as quietly as I could. I'd held on for so long, fought the feelings in silence and suffered quietly, all because I was too afraid of being ignored. And I swear the pain grew every time I cried. Why was I still holding on? For who, or what? There was never a reason, but I had foolishly tried to carry on anyway hoping things would change. I was tired of chasing the mirage. I had to stop lying to myself and admit defeat. There was nothing I could do to bring Dad back. I could do nothing, except for ending the suffering by my own hand. Taking a stabling breath, I shakily stood back up. I knew what I had to do, what I should've done a long time ago.

I pushed off the wall with a renewed sense of purpose and walked on, the cold air stinging the fresh wounds on my hand. I passed two homeless men sleeping under the dilapidated bike shed. My heart dropped at the sight of their shivering bodies. The man closest to me tucked his companion's blanket in for him, and I smiled wistfully. At least they had each other. My head swam with all the thoughts. It felt like I was dying already. Turning right, I stumbled on a rubbish bag that had been ravaged by foxes and steadied myself against a lamppost. I was close now, the wire fence was only a few steps away.

I'd only been here once before, when I was trying to find another place to read in besides the park, but the deserted area creeped me out. It didn't have a good reputation, being a magnet for outcasts. I was always an outcast, but didn't want to believe it. There was nothing in Purslane for me, I was trapped in this gutter, forcibly keeping myself alive. But it would end tonight.

In the back of my mind I knew that it was a dangerous place, frequented by the Hessians, but I didn't care. No one was crazy enough to be out in this weather anyway.

There was a gaping hole near the bottom of the fence, as if a giant bull had burst through. Just as I knelt down, a train roared past, blasting cold wind straight through my clothes. With chattering teeth and numb fingers, I crawled through the wounded fence into the overgrown grass. I scanned the platform opposite but it was empty, apart from the moths that flew underneath the hazy glow of the lamp post. I shook my head as the moths hit into the dirty glass repeatedly, tirelessly working to reach a futile aim.

The Council had closed Purslane Station, but hadn't demolished the building. They sealed off the office adjacent to the platform, and put up fences around the area instead. So the structure stood abandoned, derelict and damaged. It was a big space, interrupted by grey pillars that held up the sloping roof. Splintered benches sat alongside two lamp posts, one on either end of the platform, but only the lamp post underneath the roof seemed to work.