Falling Is The Scariest Part (Laurmani)

Prologe(Probably)

"You're just scared to fall in love with me." She states somberly.

Of course I'm scared. What sane person wouldn't be? Everyone is scared of falling but because you might be falling in love you shouldn't be scared anymore? Yeah falling in love isn't physical but mental pain hurts way more than any physical pain. Mental pain is always with you along in your memory while physical pain heals over time. Falling in love isn't simple. Simplicity isn't love. You want me to take the rest of the trust I have in the world and give it to you? Would you like me to give you the rest of the love I possess and allow you to feel its power? Or perhaps you'd like to obtain the rest of the hope I have to find the one for me. So yes I'm scared or no terrified. Yes, terrified, to fall in love. If my heart breaks this time, I'm not sure I'd be able to piece it together again. So many other people have let me down and I cannot afford to lose one of my closest friends.

My mouth opens so I could speak. I'm trying to at least get one of those sentences out. My anxiety is escalating the state of the situation and just like that the person who had always been the easiest person to talk to turned into the hardest. She looks at me worriedly like she always has or does while I'm having an attack. My mouth opens again after i swallow to moisten my dry mouth. Still, nothing comes out as I roll my eyes at myself and attempt a laugh at how stupid I'm being right now. Unfortunately that was dumb as well because as my laugh cracked out of my mouth, my tears strayed from the eyes I was attempting to keep dry for the night. I laugh at the irony of the situation again but this time it sounds manically. The sadness is completely off of her face now as her face puts on an expression of even more worried. She steps closer to me slowly as if trying not to scare me off . At this point my laughter had completely drawn out and the sobbing noise in the back of my throat had took over. She reached out to grab my hand and placed it over her chest. I hadn't noticed that my breathing had become erratic until the routine had began. She placed her own hand over my chest while closing her eyes and just felt it beat until I had noticeably calmed my breathing down. When she looks back into my eyes, I look away.

"Sorry." Escapes my lips. Not like I didn't have more to say but that was the only thing I could say without getting worse. I don't know to what I'm saying it about but I know I mean it because this entire situation is my fault from start to finish. I remember the "harmless" flirting from the beginning of our friendship. It's the only way I can make friends without looking like an asshole. My quick smart mouth tends to drive them away but flirting requires a quick comeback to keep it interesting. Your boyfriend sure didn't like the flirting that we definitely assured was platonic. He was sure I liked you but you told him not to worry because you don't even like girls. Well thats what we both thought but then the semester changed and we had more time to hang out and nobody else to do it with. Flirting came between the bouts of learning more about each other. We had more in common than we initially thought. The thing that took us to the next level was the moment you caught me in the middle of an attack. That day was also the first time I had an attack in front of people without an immediate escape. You were almost as freaked out as I was but you calmed down enough to get me through it. I wanted to go home after so you offered to drive and pick up my car when I was feeling better. I reluctantly agreed as we went home and you came inside to stay with me. Usually I'd like to be alone but you got me to calm down quicker than I ever have and the company was nice. I was still shaking so you laid me on the couch and wrapped your arms around me and whispered relax into my ear. Soon enough only tears rolled down my face as a sign that I was still having the attack. Finally I had finished a bit exhausted and extremely embarrassed. When i woke up I saw you looking at me worriedly. I apologize this time too because I had ruined a perfectly good day out. The smell of smoke along with the enclosed space triggered an attack that I had never had before. You cleared your throat and asked me if I was ok and then proceeded to ask my if I knew what my triggers were. I glanced surprised that you knew and that you were asking like you cared.

"Don't say that. You know I hate it when you say that." She whispers bringing my face up to look me in the eyes. By this time the tears had stopped flowing and my red eyes were only a little glossy. I look into her eyes and truly get lost in the peacefulness of the situation now. As I realize what got us here in the first place, I slowly move my face back and away.

"Thank you." I say sincerely. " I should probably get going now." As I turn without waiting for a response, she grabs the tips of my fingers lightly. I pause and know that if I turn around I wont be able to leave. She tugs lightly on my fingers, urging me to look at her. I let out a breath and slowly turn around looking into her eyes that are almost pleading. She opens her mouth to speak but a tear rolls down her face instead of words coming out of her mouth. She closes her eyes to readjust herself and then wipes her cheek with the hand that isn't still grasping my fingers.

"Please don't run away from me. That would make me like the others and I can't be like the others. I'm still here for you, right in front of you, waiting for you and loving you. I'd wait forever for you if you wanted me to because I'm in love with you. My heart is breaking but I'd let you break it because you're you and no one else has ever made me feel this way. So please stay, just stay and I'll show you and I'll be here and I'll love you like nobody ever has."

I stay quiet but I can tell that she means it and it's hurting my head even more. I grab the hand that she was initially using to grab my fingers and pull her off to the side where we could sit on the curb. I hear a sigh of relief behind me while we walk and I look back to see her eyes a bit clearer and her face less red than when she was talking. I sit down and she follows me sitting as close as she could without sitting directly on top of me. I look over and she's already looking at me, patiently waiting for my response. I clear my throat when I'm ready and she quirks her eyebrows at me.

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Sorry yall I don't really write 🤷🏽‍♀️