Dreams of a Broken Soul

Dear Cristian:

Dear Cristian:

You know how many times I've wished I could sum up the courage to tell you the real reason why I acted like I did?

I loved you and nobody could deny that, if I didn't show it that often then there is me to blame. Everyone has thrown the blame on me on why we didn't work out and though you didn't exactly say the words, I know you do as well.

Sorry won't cover what happened, I know sorry won't make it right either but it's all I can tell you and be honest, without lying.

Because the truth is that all along I was scared of messing it up, you know? Ironic enough I messed it up trying not to mess it up.

I'm going to tell you the truth, or at least I'm going to try because I doubt I have the guts to give you this letter.

About year and a half ago I saw again my best friend from my childhood and he will always be special to be, even though we drifted apart. The thing is that I saw him once and was captivated by how the little annoying boy I had grown up with had changed, and yes I was -still am- attracted to him. In one night he made me feel things I didn't know I could feel and that I haven't felt again. To say that he turned around my world is an understatement but it's the only thing close enough I can find to express how he made me feel.

In a just a couple of hours he managed to make me feel things I had never even dreamed of. But more than what he made me feel, he also taught me 3 things:

1.    Life's too short to live in fear.

2.    You have to forgive to forget, and forget, to feel again

3.    You have to fight for what you want no matter how many things try to stop you along the way.

Cristian do you still remember that conversation we had before winter break? Because I can't forget it no matter how hard I try, you know?

"Want do you want to study?" you asked me while taking my hand.

"I want to be an actress." I whispered.

"That's not a real career, babe." You told me seriously.

There is where our relationship started to go wrong, not that I had never heard that response before but I knew I never expected it from you.

Going back on topic I remember three questions you asked me and while I never lied to you I didn't tell you the whole truth either, so I'm doing it now.

"Any exes I might need to be worried about?" Your brown eyes had that glint characteristic of your teasing.

"No, no ex-boyfriends to worry about." I replied with a shrug.

It was the truth, before you I only had one boyfriend, whom I dated because he'd been in love with me for so long I just wanted to give him a try, but it didn't work out. I broke up with him three weeks after.

But even if I didn't show it, there was a moment of hesitation before my answer. Because the moment you asked that his face appeared in my mind, he was never my boyfriend but my feelings for him –even after more than a year of not knowing anything from him– when something you should have been concerned about, because they never went away, I just learned to live without him.

"Why don't you say you love me back?" you asked through the phone.

We had been dating for almost a month then and I wasn't at all surprised you had noticed my lack of response to your 'I love you's.

"Its hard for me, I only said it once before and I ended up hurt." I whispered after a moment of hesitation.

Again that was the truth, but it was incomplete. I had said I love you before and I had ended up hurt but not by a guy. The only I said I love you I had ended up hurt because that person didn't understand what I meant, you know why? Because she is a girl and my best friend. So you might not have understood even if I told you. SORRY.

"Don't you believe me?" you asked calmly.

"I want to but I just can't." I whispered before ending the call.

The truth was that I did wanted to believe the explanation you gave me for not going to my birthday party, my fifteen birthday party. But I couldn't believe you because if I did it was only going to hurt worse.

I couldn't believe you because I couldn't forgive the fact that instead of making new beautiful memories with you to erase the ones that place had before my birthday I ended up dancing and admitting long lost feeling to my grade school crush. I wanted to erase that kiss from my mind, to finally forget what I had with him.

Today I still wonder why didn't you fight for us.

"Giulianna, I think we should leave things as they are. These past four months we've been dating I've waited for you to act again like the girl I fell in love with but I give up. I won't wait anymore and its best if when just part our ways now."

"Why?" my throat was tight but I manage the word out –barely.

"You are too cold, so expressionless, I don't feel like I'm dating a human being."

I didn't argue, I couldn't argue, so I just walked away.

Today I ask myself why I didn't ask you to give me another chance.

And now I know the answer.

It's because I deluded myself into believing I loved you. Sure I was in love with you but from that to LOVE it's a big distance. But the real reason why I could never correspond you the way you wanted me to, it's because I still love him.

But please remember you could have tried, we could have tried together to makes us work, so it's not really only me to blame Cristian.

Now I can saw I'm pretty fearless because I'm finally thinking about me.

Now I can say that I forgave you for not trying, I can't say I forgot everything because you can't learn from something you forgot but thanks to you I'm ready to feel again.

And maybe just maybe it would have happened sooner or later because for the only persons I would give up my dreams are my mother and my little brother.

Have a nice life, I wish you well.    ~ Giulianna

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This is a letter I wrote to my now ex-boyfriend, its been almost a month since we broke up and I thought it might be a good idea to write down my feelings to get rid of the writer's block I have.

As an advice about what I learned:

A relationship is something that is meant to make you happy not to try and please everyone else. When you're in a relationship you should feel like you're dreaming, of course there are going to be problems along the way but it's in you to get through them.

Never change who you are for anybody and never give up on your dreams no matter what it is, because when you are old you are going to wish you did all those things you didn't. So live everyday at its fullest and over everything be happy, because happiness will drive you to have the best experience of life.