Black Raven | Wattys 2018

Chapter One

Do you ever wonder what would've or could've been? Or what would be different if some things had never happened? It's funny how sometimes we know we're going to crash, but still, we speed up.

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I liked staring at the fire. Don't ask me why 'cause I didn't know, but looking at it calmed me down; it made me feel relaxed. I always carried a lighter with me, because when I was stressed out I liked to light it up and look at the flames.

Fire,
I liked to admire.
It can light things up
And be as hot as a coffee cup.
Bright, warm, soothing, and beautiful
My heart felt blissful.
Peace I acquired
And for a moment
All things dire
Didn't matter.

-Coughs- "What the hell? You shouldn't be smoking here."

"Hey!!! Give it back! What's your problem?"-I shouted to my annoying twin brother who took my cigarette out of my mouth.

"You can't smoke inside the house. The kids are here. In fact, you shouldn't even smoke at all."-Nick scolded me. Sometimes he was too overprotective.

"You're such a hypocrite."-I stated. He had no right to yell at me for smoking when he used to do the same when he was with his friends. "Forget it. Keep it. I'm going out anyway." I grabbed my phone and some cash and put it in my ripped jeans' back pocket. Then, I headed out of the room and towards the stairs. Nick followed me ranting something.

"Where do you think you're going? It's past 10:00 p.m."-Lena shouted at me. She stood in front of the living room with her curly, brown hair and her big, brown eyes glaring angrily at me. I ignored her and stormed out of the house. I couldn't bear the noise anymore; I was going crazy. My foster siblings were always joking and shouting. They gave me headaches.

Now, I imagine you're asking yourself who the hell is Lena. Well, Lena was my foster guardian. One month after our parents' death, we were placed with her. She was fostering 5 more kids when we got there. I couldn't understand how the system kept giving her children when all she did was mistreat us. We had to take care of ourselves and look out for each other. We had to work to put food on the table; we cooked; we cleaned, and we took care of the little ones. At first, Lena didn't give a shit about any of us. I couldn't wait to turn 18 and get the hell out of there with my brothers. I cared about my other foster siblings too, but I couldn't bear another year in that house. You may think I was selfish, but family came first, so if I was going to take someone with me, my bio-siblings were definitely it; though I probably would've chickened out and taken the others with me too.

I spent most of my time with some people from school. (I don't say "friends" because they definitely weren't.) Friends; that's a word I didn't use. I didn't have any. I had acquaintances, partners, classmates, drinking buddies, and siblings, but not friends. Like I was saying before, I used to hang out under the Huntington Beach Pier at night with some people from school. I only hung out with them because they bought good alcohol and drugs. So, where do you think I went that night? Yeah, I went to Huntington Beach; wish I hadn't though.

"Hey!! Want some?"-Laura, a brunette, brown-eyed girl from the group offered me a fry. For those of you who don't know what a fry is; well, fry is the street name for a marijuana cigarette laced with PCP; and PCP is a dissociative drug, which means is a hallucinogen drug.

"No, thanks. I'm drinking."-I answered. I didn't think it was a good idea to mix; and... I was right. It was a really cold night and stars shone brightly in the sky. Bottles of beer in the warm, smooth sand lay, while the bonfire delighted my eyes and the black birds flew high.

"So??? Come on!!! There's no reason why you can't consume both." (She was absolutely wrong; there were a lot of reasons why it was a bad idea to mix both.)

But like always, I ignored my gut, "What the heck... Give it." Not only did I drink that night, I smoked too. Drugs and alcohol; a pretty bad decision. "I will look like hell tomorrow."

"Me too. I'm gonna have to stay at Louise's 'cause if I get home in this state my parents are going to kill me."-Laura said. We were both kind of wasted already. Soon we were gonna be high too. "You're lucky you don't have that kind of problem."

"Yeah. Real Lucky."-I responded sarcastically, but she didn't notice my sarcasm. I would've taken any punishment just to go to that navy blue and white beach house where I used to live with my family and see my parents again one last time. I felt like I was starting to forget them; the sound of their voices, their smiles, and that twinkle in their eyes when they looked at each other.

"Mind if I join?"-Ryan, an extroverted kind of looking guy, asked as he sat next to me. "Want to share?"

"Sure, take mine." I gave him my cigarette. I was already high, my head was spinning, my vision was blurry, and I felt like throwing up. I just rested my head against a rock while Ryan and Laura kept smoking and drinking.

I must have fallen asleep or I was too way out of it because the next thing I knew, Ryan was all over me. I felt him caressing my cold, pale skin and running his hands up and down my body. Then, I felt his stinky breath and his wet lips on my neck. I was trying to shout and push him away, but I was too weak to even move or speak. My head hurt and my vision was still blurry. With what little strength I had, I spoke stutteringly, "S...s...stop! P...please. J..ust S...stop!!"

"Just relax." His sweaty hands kept going; he ripped my tank top. His heavy body was still pressed against me. He outweighed me, so there wasn't much I could do.

It was horrible. I really wanted to scream and hit him hard to get out from under him. I wanted to puke; I wanted to shout; I wanted to cry, but I just lay there motionless without an inch of strength. It felt just like drowning; you want to get out from under the water, but the waves keep hitting you and you go back under. At first, you panic and try to fight it, try to swim, but little by little you start losing your strength and the ability to hold your breath. Then, you try gasping for air and that's when you start inhaling water. You try to cough or swallow the water, but instead, you end up inhaling more of it. Your body starts filling up with water, and a sensation of burning runs through it and then you let go. As your body sinks deeper, a feeling of calmness takes over you until finally, you lose consciousness.

As I was drifting away, a flock of black ravens shrieking and cawing flew down in attack mode; some of the ravens started poking and scratching Ryan, while others just flew around him. Between the darkness, the fuzziness, and my headache, the last thing I saw before losing consciousness was Ryan fighting the birds and the flames of the fire starting to fade. I tried to stay awake but the high-pitched sound the ravens were emitting was too much for my ears and my current state at that moment.

I woke up hours later feeling like crap. I was the only one left. In the horizon, the sun was starting to rise; the sky was painted in this beautiful yellow-orange-pink kinda' color. Around me, everything was a mess. My head, my legs, my arms, my hands, everything hurt. I stood up with what little strength I had, crossed my arms in front of my chest to cover my body (ps. My clothes were all torn) and started to walk. Far in the immense, blue ocean, there were surfers already in the cold, clear water. Meanwhile, the cold breeze caressed my pale skin and my long, wavy hair as I walked with my head bowed down, staring blankly at my feet.

You might ask, what was I thinking at that moment? Well, I guess I was kind of in shock; I could only think that I had to repaint my fingernails 'cause the nail polish I had was ruined. I don't know if you've ever been in shock... Well, your mind kind of blocks whatever it is that shocked you and instead you start thinking about other random things. Also, you kind of freeze and start seeing everything around you pass by slowly, like in slow motion. I know people sometimes say: "my mind went blank" or something like this, but the truth is, a mind can never go blank. There is always something going on in there. I don't think it's possible to shut your thoughts just for a second, well, probably when you're dead... OR NOT.