Only If You Knew

Chapter 3

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again."

I looked on as Noah poured his heart out to Allie. The Notebook was that one film Normani, Camila, and I would watch every time we got together. No matter how many times I watched this film tears escaped, I'm a sucker for romance and deep down so was Normani as she shed a few tears over the monologue. There was something in me, however, that pulled at me. I was as if the movie was trying to direct me. I listened to Noah tell Allie everything I essentially felt the need to say to Mani. Suddenly it was so much more than just a story. I stuck my spoon back in the half empty mint chocolate chip carton and set it down on the coffee table in front of me, before pulling my legs up to my chest and resting my chin on them. I was really nervous, I didn't want it to show, but I was. Speaking my mind felt necessary but what if it made things go awry? She sensed something was wrong and set her own butter pecan carton down, picking up a tissue instead.

"Lauren?"

I turned my head slightly to where I was facing her, "Hm?"

"What's wrong?"

"What makes you think something is wrong?"

"Well, for one you're not even watching the movie anymore, and two you put your ice cream down. I've never seen you not finish any kind of dessert." She said with a playful smirk.

I smiled at her attempt to lighten the mood but my mind was still plagued with runaway thoughts. Normani pulled my legs from underneath me and set them on her lap, gently rubbing her hand up and down my shins. "What's up?"

I knew no matter what I said right now, it could never really be the right thing. So I might as well just spit it out.

"What exactly are we doing?" I asked her.

"Well I thought we were watching The Notebook and crying like babies." She laughed.

"I'm serious, Normani."

"What do you mean?"

She sat back to look at me fully, trying to understand. Just say it Lauren, you can do this.

"Well...before...when this first happened, I didn't know what to make of us. I know you don't always have to put labels on things. But it's been a few months now and...I just really want to know where I stand....in your life."

She sighed and stood up. Shit, this can't be good. I knew it; I knew I should have NEVER asked her. Why the hell did I have to open my stupid mouth? These past few months I had barely had time to spend with her as it is. Now, it was all about to end. She was pacing the floor, her hands toying with each other.

"Do...do you remember that day? At the hotel?" she asked me.

How could I forget? One of the best days ever for me.

"Yes."

"Well.....when you left, I...I talked to Val. I told him about you and about me. I told him I was in love with you. But...I'm in love with him too. I know it's so unfair and completely selfish of me to keep you both but I don't want to let either of you go. That's why I haven't exactly tried too hard to bring up our relationship. I figured as long as either of you didn't ask, I didn't have to make a decision. That I would just cross that bridge when we got to it."

"So you're still with him?"

"Yes...n-no. Not the way you're saying it. I wasn't lying when I said he wasn't my boyfriend. But he's been there for me for so many things and he understands me in a way that not a lot of people can. We haven't done anything in a while. I didn't think it would be fair until I had a chance to say something to the both of you and he understands that."