Painful Love Story

One Night

It took one morning where you came over for you to confess your love. 

How am I supposed to know everything you felt was genuine, and that you weren't just using me as a trophy to show off to the world. 

Well, I didn't mind at the time. I looked passed all your colorful flaws and saw someone hurting and troubled. I saw someone looking for love and to be loved back and, to make you feel better, I gave you just that. 

You were everything I ever wanted, even though you lacked critical ideals I had for a man. You showed me off, took care of me, gave me presents and showed me how much you cared. But we never bonded on a deeper level. 

And I hate that I let that happen. That I let myself settle for the half version of you because I couldn't push myself to push you. That I took whatever you gave me and loved every piece, not knowing or asking about the truth.

I feel like you lied to me in the worst way. You made promises you never kept, unloading your troubles on me but never letting me unload mine. And so hurt kept piling up onto my shoulders, your hurt and mine while you laid there with nothing but relief. We were unequal and I felt trapped, but I had no idea you did too. 

I had no idea being with you, even only for a short while, would wreck the idea of myself and those of people around me.

And now thats what hurts the most. The fact that I gave you everything I could and you still didnt want me. You pretended and acted scorned and upset when I told you I couldn't do this anymore, but I know you were relieved beneath that frown. That you were smiling inside and whispering "finally.".

It was painful; The end. Endings always are but I expected more from you. I expected the same love and the same passion, but in a different form, perhaps friendship. 

But all I got was radio silence, and no message was a blatant message. 

I want you still, and I see that as a weakness. I want you to come back to me, to fight for me and say you're not gonna let me go because I am "the best thing that has ever happened to you". Like you told me once before. 

I want you to whisper all those lies to make me feel good, and I guess that makes me selfish. I guess being with you was just for me, to make me feel good and to have someone for ME.

I just wish I was stronger. That my chest didnt expand in hurt whenever I thought of you, and that I would stop feeling as if the world is about to end. 

Because it isn't.

Being without you is not the end of the world. It is not the end of me either.

I just need to remember that. 

And I hope you, whoever is reading this that stumbled upon this random espionage of emotions, knows that nothing is the end until you decide it is. Being without someone, without something, just means you lost it and you have a gaping hole of hurt but that doesnt mean you cant fill it back up.

Thank you for reading my 10 minute painful love story.

I hope you have the strength to share yours here, where you can be supported, even just by me.