i give up

o p t i o n

Hey there. How are you? I hope you are doing fine.

So here I am right now, writing this. . . whatever you might call this, in the middle of the night. With tears in my eyes, with puffy eyes and with a clogged nose.

So, yeah. If I were to look back to where it all started, I'll see one thing. One thing that pushed the start button and made my life miserable in just a matter of seconds.

I was an option. I am an option. I'll always be an option.

Have you ever felt what it's like to be the second choice? To be not chosen from the start? To be the "Ah, I have no other choice so I'll pick you instead" one?

No? Not yet?

Well, here's the thing. I have. Or had. Or will have. Or whatever.

Let me tell you a story of a guy who was never the priority. Of a guy who was never the first choice. And I tell you, it's not a happy story. No rainbows or unicorns, just plainly black and white.

Just like other people, I have a heart too. And what does the heart does aside from pumping blood throughout the body? Yes, beat for somebody else's heart. And that was when it all started, the first reason why I gave up is you. . . Jeremy.

You happened in a blink of an eye. Up until now, I have no idea how you came into my life. And up until now, I am still thankful that you came into my life.

Like, seriously, thank you for bringing up different shades of hues to my monochromatic and routinary life.

I never believed in online love. Y'know? The sht wherein a person would meet another person through the internet, talk frequently, be romantically inclined then end up breaking each other's heart and all that sht.

But you came, my greatest plot twist. And probably the twist that I'll love the most.

I can still remember how we started, how I asked for a friend's contact information and you answered that you do not know.

I can still remember the nights that came after that.

Those fvcking nights you made me feel special. Those. Fvcking. Nights.

Those were the nights I won't ever forget.

One night, I woke up from a nightmare. The usual nightmare I've been having since I was 8. I was trapped inside a room, a dark room with no doors or windows, and all that was inside it was me. . . and him.

He was sauntering his way towards me. It creeps me out, big time. And when he was close to me, I tried my best to wake up, which I did.

I woke up with a ragged breathing. I can still remember it, 2:48am. I was crying when I woke up and logged into facebook. And you were there, your name has that little green circle beside it so I quickly messaged you and told you what was happening.

I felt your concern. I felt it was real.

You told me to imagine that you were beside me and that you were hugging me tight. That you were kissing my forehead. That you were rubbing my back.

And that night, I told myself I love you. That I fell for you.

Nights after nights came, it was the usual routine. We talk from sunrise until sunset, and it was the most euphoric feeling I ever had in my life.

Someone was there for me, taking care of me, and was actually concerned about my welfare.

Nights after nights, I grew deeper in love with you. I remember slapping my face two times a night just to make sure that everything was really happening.

But, Jeremy, when your ex came back. . . you left me. Again.

I've been building an imaginary wall all my life around me just to fend off people that are potential pain-inducers to me. But you tore down the wall in just a matter of months.

So when you left me for the first time, I was left alone vulnerable. No walls to protect me. No Jeremy to guard me.

And I missed you. But I told myself that if I couldn't make you happy, then your ex might do so. I let go, even when it's damn hard. Because I know that you will be much happier with that person rather than me. I kind of accepted the fact that I was just a medium for someone to forget their heartbreak. That is my purpose.

It killed me. The nights without talking to you killed me.

But you know what killed me the most? It was when I was finally getting over you, but. . . you came back.

I was stupid. Well, I am still stupid. I accepted you, again.

And we continued our love story. Or. . . I continued writing our love story without even asking if you wanted to be part of my tale.

I guess I should've asked. Right, Jeremy?

But don't get me wrong. I loved you wholeheartedly. Well, okay. Until now, still love you. Fvck it. This was supposed to be a suicide note and not some cheesy love letter for you.

Wait, everything I write for you is a love letter. The messages. The comments. The good mornings and the good nights. Everything's a love letter for you. Everything's a demonstrative method of my love for you.

Hey, are you reading this right now? Oh, my God. If you are reading this right now, please stop right here.

Jeremy, stop right here, okay?

Do it for me. A guy's dying wish, okay?

Insert my nonchalant laugh here, please.

I loved you until I forgot to love myself. I loved you too much that whenever you'll be lost, I'll find you. Not giving a damn if I would lose myself in the process of finding you.

You were the sun and I was the 9 planets. Wait, was it just 8 or was it still 9? Well, fvck me because I am those planets and I revolved around you.

You were my lifeline.

You were the death of me.

That night, Jeremy, do you still remember?

For the first time, I asked you if you love me. Do you still remember your answer? Because me, I completely remember the line.

You love me but I was never your priority.

It hurts, right? Yes, it hurts. Until now, I tear up a little (By little, I mean a bucket of tears, thanks and don't judge me.) whenever I remember that.

And, Jeremy! Don't go yet. Continue skimming through my letters. Because for sure, you'll be reading more of you here.

Please, even just for now, prioritize me. Okay, Beyb?

- - - 

(a/n: Thoughts? Comments? It'd be amazing to read your feels toward this chapter. Thanks!)