i give up

f r i e n d s

There are a lot of things I won't ever understand. That's how bizarre the world can be. So many questions, yet there are only few answers. So many things you want to do, yet so little time. So many people you want to save, yet you cannot.

Yep, you read that right. I want to save someone.

Before I needed salvation, I was a Messiah to other people myself.

You know, wanting to help them with the stuff that keeps them from growing.

But how? How can I save someone else if I cannot even save myself? Why do people need saving? Why can't we all just live happily?

See? So many questions. Few answers.

If I were to ask what went wrong with me, I wouldn't even know the answer.

How can a straight A student, a promising youth, and a wonderful child to his parents fall into the pits of darkness?

I have no idea, too.

I just woke up like this -- doesn't want to live, doesn't want to do anything, and completely useless -- one day and then found myself stuck.

But believe me when I say that I am trying my best to get out of here. Well. . . okay, tried. I gave up, remember? I gave up when I learned that fighting whatever this is, futile.

But, then you came along the picture.

Hello, hello, Mark. This letter's for you.

If you'll be reading this, you'll probably ask why.

Let me tell you why, why you are one of the reasons I chose to give up on life.

You came in a very unexpected way. Really, really, unexpected. We were practically stangers back then, only know each other because of an event that the both of us was into.

You were the breath of fresh air I needed to breathe out from the suffocation I had with Jeremy, which you call as the "Worst Boyfriend Forever" to which I always laugh at.

Well, actually, you are indees funny whenever you try to be witty. Those conversations kept me up until three o'clock in the morning, they kept me alive, and I can't help but to be thankful.

Aside from your jokes, you were really fun to talk to. I still remember the time that we were debating whether vampires have blood or they do not. It went on for three days! But we just settled that there are two kinds of vampires -- the ones with blood and the ones without blood.

And I can't help but to be thankful of your presence, Mark. You changed my life. We changed one another's life. We were both happy despite the fact that we both suffer from depression. We were both happy even though the both of us want to end their lives.

Fuck.

We were happy.

All you gave me was happiness. Pure bliss. Like I never imagined before. You were the older brother I never had. It's just right to say that I came to love you more than I've ever loved Jeremy.

You were always there for me, ready to push me forward and give me support to whatever I want to do. You motivate me a lot, even though we're both lazy human beings, if I must say.

And damn, those anime recommendations! We never ran out of them! I am freakishly smiling while I'm writing this right now. It's just so nice to reminisce these things. Things that are valuable to me. Things that would always remind me of you. Things that would make me smile for the little and dumbest reasons. Things that will not ever happen again. Things that I'll lay my life down just for me ti have it again.

To have you again.

I think I'm crazy, oh my gosh! One moment I was laughing and all smiles and now I am crying. Oh, well, these are the things you left, Mark.

You know what's sad, huh, Mark? It's the fact that you are to taste something amazing, something wonderful, something that you'll depend your life onto, but not being able to keep it forever.

That's what you did.

It's like the more I try to be happy, the deeper I plunge into sadness.

It's frustrating. Freaking frustrating.

That night you told me you'll be leaving on the eleventh day of July. I can still remember that it was some time in June. I felt sad that instance. I wish I could've meet you earlier. I wish I known you earlier to enjoy your company even longer.

Mark, if you are reading this right now. . . I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss you that it hurts. I had no idea you'd be this special to me. I had no idea that I won't be able to attend to my classes just because sadness is eating me.

I just don't want to see the world without you in it. I can't. I don't want to.

I know life's been tough on you. It was always tough on you. On me. To the both of us.

I was experiencing hell but it was heaven compared that what you were in.

I'm sorry I couldn't keep you to stay. I'm sorry if I was not an enough reason for you to stay.

Did I already say I miss you so much? Well, never mind, I'm just gonna say it again. I miss you so much.

Mark, will there be anything for me to do to have you back? I'd gladly do anything, everything.

I'll eat breakfast on time. I won't be annoying and noisy. I won't talk about Jeremy anymore. I'll behave like a good boy. I'll do all of these. Just please come back.

I want you back. But I can't.

Mark, why did you kill yourself? We promised each other that we'll live and treat every day as a gift for each other.

How can I live happily without you? Without our conversations? How?

You're one of the reasons why I want to give up on life. I want to give up because you gave up. I want to give up because I couldn't stop you from giving up. I want to give up because it was all my fault that you had to fight your demons alone, wherein I should be there for you.

Oh, yeah. We made a promise, right? That whenever someone between us choose to give up, the other one would soon come after, remember?

Mark, you're the best friend I've ever had. The best to the point that I'll go to wherever you are soon because I miss you badly.

We'll talk again sooner or later. But for now, rest easy and let me finish these letters.

I'm so glad I met you.

(A/N: Sorry if the update took too long. I was busy with personal stuff. Anyway, what do you think about this chapter? I would like to know your thoughts! Don't hesitate to leave a comment. I love reading those. Thanks, guys!)