i give up

v o i c e s

We hear voices all the time – from the people we talk to in our schools, jobs, houses, and even on the streets. Voices are everywhere.

Sometimes they sing these melodious symphonies, the lovely lullabies, the harmonic songs, and the peaceful odes. Sometimes they are nothing but two metal bars clashing with each other, fingernails screeching on the chalkboard, and the loud sound of a siren.

The voices we hear vary.

Lately I've been hearing these voices in my head telling me nothing but bad stuff. I even talked to my mother about these voices, she told me to just shrug it off because it's just in my mind, or so she says.

But to all the voices I've been hearing, yours are the loudest. It echoes until now. The words you told me still lingers not just on my mind but even in my (no matter how cheesy this may sound) my heart and in my soul. I can still hear you, even though it had been a year since you told me you no longer wanted anything to do with me.

I still remember how your lips moved as you speak. How your eyebrows twitched when you looked at me after a tear escaped from one of my eyes. I still remember.

And I wouldn't forget, Gideon.

Gideon, Gideon, Gideon. . . this letter is for you.

First of all, I should be thanking you for everything you taught me. For all the values you've imparted on me. For the time and effort that you, ehem, wasted on me. For being so much of a father slash brother slash mentor slash teacher.

Do you remember that one night of January 2016? We were at our favorite spot at McDonald's. Feeling the cold touch of the air-condition on our skin. People-watching from afar. That night, you broke me. Not just me but even our relationship.

You know what's sad about us, Gideon? It's the fact that you never trusted me. You accused me of a lot of things without even asking me for confirmation if those things were true. Even up until now that I am writing this, I can still feel my heart breaking upon knowing that you never trusted me and you judged me too soon for your own good.

I hate you, to the point that it had already been two years but I still find myself crying whenever I see you. It all comes back to me and no matter how hard I try to forgive and forget what you've done, I just couldn't.

And maybe, just maybe. . . I think that you are the one who's the root of why I am depressed now. If not for what you have done, I will never be in this place right now. Wanting to kill myself just because I lost the eagerness to look for reasons to live.

I am the gun and you were the trigger. It may sound that I am blaming you for everything that has happened, but yeah, that's how things worked for me and for you.

It was a domino effect, you started to fall and then everything else comes crashing down.

Don't get me wrong, though. I am not writing this letter to set you on a guilt trip that I'll be dying basically because of your doing. I am writing this letter to tell you how much I miss you.

I miss talking to you. Singing with you. Laughing with you. Being random with you. I miss you. It's just that things that are done are done, we cannot just go back to the past and alter it; creating a time paradox or a temporal state where we didn't fight and we were okay.

But this letter is more of a way for me to accept things that are unchangeable. You were one of the reasons why I lived, I know that somehow. I know that in mysterious ways, we were bound to meet each other, put our effect to one another, then just go on with our separate ways.

What happened to us was a clear example of people meeting one another but are not meant to stay with each other.

So, Gideon. Thank you for everything. I miss you. And I hope as I try to die, the memory of you will die as well. No more of your voice in my head anymore.