dead soul ➼ irwin

.01

ella;

-

I slowly made my way down the empty and lonely halls of the hospital. I ran my finger across the gray painted brick walls. Paintings and drawings that some patients drew hung loosely from the wall. Some about to fall, others about to rip. Everyone new that these pieces of work were soon going to be scattered all over the ground but nobody bothered to pick them up. 

I come to the hospital every weekend, my Aunt works here, she has for 19 years so she knows the place pretty well. She also showed me a little basement that nobody knows about and I go down there sometimes just to think, or be alone. 

There's one reason I come here. Actually 4 reasons I come here. There's four people that keep me coming here. But one in particular.

Luke, Michael, Calum, and Ashton.

They all got thrown in here on the same day, for the same reason. Suicide.

I guess they were all best friends because still to this day they never leave each others side. When they first came here 4 months ago they all explained that they felt like they were drowning, but they could see everyone around them breathing.

 Calum explained to every one that he felt so lost in this world, he said he didnt know how to feel anymore, he wasnt sure what feelings were, he mentioned that he felt so empty inside and that it became to much to feel nothing but everything at the same time. 

Luke said that he was so tired and he just wanted some sleep, I offered him one of the open bedrooms but he quickly denied and explained to me that he wanted to sleep, forever and not have to wake up feeling the same way as he did before he slept. He told me he wanted to just be happy again and not feel so trapped in his own mind.

Michael was the worst though, he was so broken. He had friends, and family. Everyone constantly told him that he does nothing for them but little do they know, that he covers his scars for them, he laughs around them to hide his real pain, he just pretended to be mentally stable when really, being alone with his own mind was quite dangerous.

Ashton, I remember exactly what Ashton said because he didn't say much. He barely said anything at all. He was the quietest out of all of the boys. He didn't talk at all that day besides the few words he said, Most of the time when I see him hes drifting off into space, Im not even sure if hes familiar with whats going on inside that mind of his. All I know is that its a dark paradise up there.

"I wake up tired of life. I look in the mirror and hate what I see, I wake up physically hurt. I feel so lost inside myself. The only thing I try to do anymore is just find myself. I wake up so afraid that im going to live."'

I remember those words perfectly, the day they left Ashtons mouth they also never left my mind. 

It broke my heart to hear what all these boys were feeling. Since that day I havnt left them, or forgotten of them, because I know thats what they fear most. They're wonderful people. I just dont understand why know one gives them a chance. 

I walked down the hall and stopped in front of the wooden door with all of their names carved into it. They had done that the first day they got here because they didnt want anyone besides them in their room. When they boys and I got closer they even carved my name in a very small font under theirs giving me permission to come in and visit whenever.

Even though I could walk in any time I knocked. I always knocked 4 times in a certain rhythm so that they know its me. 

I waited for a few seconds until I started to hear heavy footsteps coming from the other side of the door. I tried to guess who it was from the sound of the footsteps and I assumed it was Michael but once the door opended I realized I was wrong and that it was Calum.