Dear. Nobody.

Depression?

You smile a lot. That's not a bad thing, when people meet you for the first time - your big, broad smile and infectious energy, is what they typically remember you for. The light in your eyes shine brightly whenever you do things you love, your friends joke abut saying that you are too happy especially when you shouldn't be. You are silly, and there's nothing you can to stop that - it's inevitable, a tad loud you may be and in every picture of you, you're seen grinning, laughing or making a goofy face. To the outside world you look so happy, you always look so happy.

But that's not the case is it? What if you aren't?

See, there's this idea that pain demands to be felt. There's this longing feeling that sadness demands to be there filling the gap. It's one filled with: messy and unmade beds, wild hair, comfortable yet tattered clothes, comfort foods too often. It's someone who doesn't want o socialize who doesn't want to go out. Someone who may watch tv for 6 hours on end, just to get out of the slump. Much like a human Eeyore. Grumpy and sad,  lifeless body really.

Depression, pain, heartbreaks - its not a one size fits all, it looks different on everyone. But just because you can't see it on someone, doesn't mean its not there - its just hiding behind closed doors waiting for the perfect moment to bring its host down. It doesn't mean that the person is not being affected by it daily.

Because when you're the happy smiley person,  people expect you to be there for them and always cheer them up even when you are down. They don't really expect you to be hurting inside.  No one assumes that pain goes beyond the exterior, no one thinks that there is pain hidden behind that friendly smile on display daily. When people see you as a happy person, it tends to be quite difficult for you to try and open up, or say something  out of the ordinary really. You are afraid that you won't fit into their circle anymore because you are different and simply because you don't fit their description of what sadness is meant to look like. It feels as if you have to struggle in silence, eyes shut, mouth wide open screaming for help yet nothing comes out.

So you don't say anything. You continue to be that ecstatic, bubbly person. You go out with that broken smile on your face, praying and hoping that someone would see it. You text back quickly, and have a great time. You show up and laugh like there's nothing holding you back.

Depression, it sits there like an uninvited guest at the front row seat in your mind with your life on display. No one can see it, but you know its there. No matter how big you smile you can't shake that feeling away.