Dear. Nobody.

Is it alright...?

Dear Nobody,

Is it alright to feel small? Or to be a fake kind of happy - like when everyone around is laughing and smiling and I'm just there faking as I go and no one notices. It does hurt to be the strong one all the time - because no one will know when to give you a hand.

I smile. I laugh. All fake, but no one has the decency to ask - my mask is perfected.

The only time I let myself go is when I go to bed, there I can sob or whatever and no one will hear - annoying but it feels good to finally let my defences down after a day. I need to stop doing that. Why? I don't know. But it needs to stop.

I think I'm falling. And I think I'm falling HARD. For someone. I can't help it but all I think about is the little things that ~~ says to me and ( that's me lying - I told you no one notices. After all I'm the best liar round here) replaying it in my head till eventually I get bored - but that hasn't happened. It's like a cycle - never ending and torturous. I CANT EVEN CONCENTRATE. Fuck even I know that it's a load of bullshit.
That's how bad it is.
I think even the words I'm writing down right now are fake. One of my many masks talking. I don't know.

I'll never know. Maybe I'm not meant to find out. Maybe I'll just keep switching and no one will see. Maybe this is me. Maybe it isn't. I'll never know.