The Definition of Me

Chapter 19: Homesick.

Liam brought me home that day. We went inside and watched the sunset from his bedroom window. He made jasmine tea for me, and then we sat in front of the view for a while, with his arms wrapped around my stomach and waist, hugging me from behind and leaning his chin on my left shoulder. I could hear him breathing from under my ear, and he paused sometimes to take long deep breaths. I did too.

Even though the Brooklyn apartment buildings were somewhat blocking the sun, the warm oranges and red tones that it gave out blended in with the city skyline. This view is all I've ever known.

I cupped the tea mug with both of my hands and took long sips as I watched the colors slowly fade into the houses. Liam tilted his head to kiss the top of my shoulder and then my cheek. I felt his long eyelashes brush against my skin in a tickling manner as his lips were pressed to my cheek. I turn a little to face him and put the mug down on the floor so I could run fingers through his messy hair. His perfectly messy hair. I knew that the moments I was experiencing, primarily this particular one, which will one day become a memory, was also going to become a very small fraction of my life as a whole. My life is pretty traumatic, I'd tell Oprah Winfrey if she'd ever interview me. My life was never white, it was mostly black, but now it seems grayer. It is something in between now because Liam entered my life. Because I established a relationship with my mom. Because I always had Evangeline by my side. Because I woke up each morning to the sunrise that told me it was going to be okay. A city full of rush. A head full of dreams and nightmares. Where a small human being, out of the millions of human beings in New York, lives her small human life that seemed far too big for her shoulders. The weight can get overwhelming, so she learned to breathe the freshest air of central park, ironically. And when things felt like they were almost too much to take, she would go to Rue 57 and people watch outside the window. But the best part, the part which she only now discovered, only now got to experience, was to be in the presence of another human that gave her stability. She was the wind and he was the rock. She was ever changing and he was everlasting. And yet somehow, they were both parts of the same city. And she missed that feeling. She knew she would miss that feeling once it would go away and she would see her father again. She knew she was going to see him again too, just like she saw him at the bar a few days ago. Some moments became heart-shaping and others became heart-breaking. But she learned to stitch it all up. And she had the walls of her temporary room for comfort, and the pancakes that would melt in her mouth the same way her ice cream would melt at Coney Island that night at the pier. That also became a memory. Shared with Evangeline and Liam. And in that moment, when she kissed him as they sat watching the sunset, the small human being didn't feel so small anymore. She felt significant enough to experience the good that would become the gray. Its white composure would mix in with the black paint of her traumatic experiences and form a fading shade of hope. And this wasn't some teenage crap for her. Being there, in that moment, was not a high school romance or a one night stand. She knew there were going to be many nights like these, where he and she would stargaze together on the rooftop of his apartment or watch the sun, just like they did now, give out its colorful palette of warmth. And later on, they would go breathe in central park together, and people watch at that cafe, and take a long walk down a city they would call home. She would no longer feel alone, or do these lonely things alone either. And the feelings would come back to her - all the feelings, a telesthesia, because none of her familiar organs could describe the way she felt. It was something more. It was the city indulging her in all its busy and urban life. For this is all she has ever known.

New York City is my home, she thought, and I've never been more homesick.

***

Hope you enjoyed this little poetic filler xx It was midnight, and I felt inspired. Hopefully, as I proof read it next morning I won't cringe at my attempts to express whatever it is I felt as I wrote through Rosemary's perspective.

Thank you for sticking around. I really do appreciate that.
Loads of love sent your way,

With loads of bookworming love,

Barbara xx