Something so Familiar

~5~

Soon after finishing the drinks, I decided that I was tired and would go up to bed. Harry told me that he was going to stay downstairs for a little while but he'd be up soon. Noah walked with me through the slim corridors until we reached my room. He said goodnight and hugged me then turned round and continued to trudge up the next set of stairs. I twisted the cold door handle and the door creaked open. It was colder now than it had been earlier that day so I walked over the the far wall where my bags were and took out a blue knitted jumper. It had been put with my few things when we left the hospital- I guessed that it was my mum's but I never knew for sure. I put it on over the top of my pyjamas as the blankets on the beds were thin and I knew I would be cold.
The house was filled with children but it was like as soon as I entered that room, I was on my own. There was a damp rotting smell of the cold wet wood of the window frame that filled the room. I got a small bottle of perfume out from my bag and sprayed it around the room. The smell didn't change much but it was better than before.
I could still hear Harry's deep laugh from downstairs and assumed that he wouldn't be up for a while so I decided to have a wash and brush my teeth. I peeled back the damp curtain revealing the bathroom. It was warmer behind that curtain than the rest of the room. I ran the tap waiting for some warm water but it didn't come. I brushed my teeth and washed my face then brushed my hair for the first time in a while. It was knotted and difficult to get through but after about ten minutes it was soft and tangle free. I braided it within two French plaits like I do every night. I looked up at myself in the mirror. I looked no better than earlier that day but I told myself that one day everything would be alright and this was just a small section of my life. I went back into the room and took out a leather bound book. It was a special book. It was mothers' old diary. Half of the pages were missing but that didn't matter. I got into the bed and started to read.

Dear diary,
I actually can't believe it. I went to the local doctor today after being sick for the past few mornings and he told me that I am pregnant. I am going to tell him later today. I am going to surprise him. I hope that he will be happy about the news. Maybe then he will ask me to marry him. I don't know if I should feel nervous or excited.

It was a disaster. I walked up the front steps and rang the doorbell like I always do. He answered the door and in a way looked horrified. I had never seen him look so scared. He told me to come in and asked me what I was doing there. He led me up to the bedroom whilst I explained that I needed to talk to him about something. I sat on his bed and he started to kiss me. I tried to explain that it was really important but he wasn't listening to me. His hands were now sliding down my back and he was kissing my neck now. At that moment a small girl with blonde hair peered her head around the door and looked completely horrified. She asked where her mother was and who I was. I was so confused, I had never met this girl in my life and I had never been told anything about her. He had been lying to me the whole time. He was her father and he was married. He ushered her away out of the door without answering her questions and turned to me and said...

There had been other entries in the past but this was the last one before the pages had been ripped out. I always wonder what mum would have written next. Sometimes I make up different situations in my head but the events never seem to add up to how we got here.