According to the new people I meet, I come out as shy and sweet. "Shy and Quiet" because I'm still adjusting to being around them. "Shy and Quiet" is abit cliché, don't you think? I'd say so. I like to see myself and trying to live life the best you can every minute you have because in one minute or one second you won't know what will happen next. Me? I'm a very open person. I never have anything to hide because I'm comfortable with myself and with people wanting to know who I am. When I think hard about certain things, I tend to keep them to myself because I am somewhat afraid of what people might think about me. When I get very comfortable with being around someone's presence, I will say the most outrageous things. I was always afraid to speak my mind because I was afraid of what people will think of me, but I got over it and just started doing it. I could care less of what people thought of me. My mind would spill over as easy as a glass of water can.
Sometimes I'd get people concerned with what I was saying because I wouldn't say positive things about myself or others. Which I get can be abit concerning but not a whole lot. As I started exploring myself, I saw myself as outgoing and very ambitious. Many people thought of me as being different in every way, to me, I don't exactly know what they mean. I enjoy breathing in the positive things that most have to say about me because when you're recovering, you want to hear and breathe it all in. I am still trying to find my inner self, to this day I'm still having trouble in every way possible, the thing that counts is I'm trying my best.
But always, there will be this dark, hard to read and see piece of me. To me, I don't really understand why I put myself through so much bullshit when it could have easily been stopped. Why do some people have to stare at you like you're something you've never seen before or giving you the attention you don't want? The scars I have on my arms, how tall I am, or how I look doesn't really matter to me and shouldn't matter to most people. I'm comfortable with who I am, although every day, the selfharm scars on my arms do get a lot of attention. Most people in public always ask me what happened or what did I do? Sometimes I just want to say "mind your own business" but it's visible on my body so of course people are going to ask me questions. As annoying and difficult it'll be to come up with an answer, it'll forever be something I'll have to deal with.
I know I overthink a lot of little implements of myself, but that's who I'll always be. My mind will always go back to the first time I made the first cut, or the first time I got medical attention for it. I constantly overthink about many different situations in my life. I overthink to the point where I don't know what to do with myself, block myself out from talking to people, or trying to find a way to hurt myself. But this is why I am here to share my part with you; the way I see things, traumatic events, and my recovery. I am sharing with you poems that I really enjoy and have helped me through the day, many different quotes, photos I've taken over the years, my thoughts and feelings, weird and funny moments with friends and family. Basically my entire life. I am finally happy and excited to share my journey with you.
Growing up to be a young adult has wholeheartedly opened my eyes. From overcoming many horrific, stupendous obstacles in my life you'll finally get to know who I am. You'll read that my life wasn't always sunshine and rainbows or the great taste of candy apples and cinnamon hearts. The last few years have been incredibly difficult to the point where I tried to kill myself a few times, going through many losses, and trying many different ways to cope with past traumatic events. You'll notice I'll write more about how my family, my friends, my hobbies, and exploring helped me cope with countless things.
Teaching myself to be responsible, not only for myself but my younger siblings as well. Teaching myself how to cope with difficult situations I went through on a daily basis and trying to keep myself calm. Teaching myself to love life and be grateful for the little and many things I have. Basically just teaching myself how to move on from the atrocious events and moving on from diehards. Learning how to see life in a positive perspective and letting myself see the positive side of life. As easy as it sounds, it wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. Numerous people repeatedly told me that one day "it will all get better". With all means I never believed those people, it was only because my mind kept telling me it wouldn't get better. But eventually things will get better for myself if I accept the help that's being offered.
I am not saying this to be dramatic and don't want to come of as being dramatic, I didn't have everything as easy as you think. I had to work as hard as everyone else did to get what they want. I had people pushing me to become the person I wanted to be and most of the time had people on my side.
Today I am eighteen years old and the last few years have obviously been seriously difficult for me. I have experienced more lows than highs, but lately I've been trying my best to experience more of the highs. A few of the many things I want to do is travel the world because I feel like if I do, I'll get a different perspective on my life. There are very many people out there who have had or does have life way worse than I do. I've made many changes over the last few years though, which to me is a good thing. Each thing I've experienced has made me the person I am today. I had become to strongly care for people who have or are struggling the way I have. It weakens me awfully to see people struggling with mental health or addictions because I once struggled with both.
Going on with my journey I have struggled immensely with a whole lot of possessions. As an eighteen year old female who struggled with mental health and mental and emotion abuse, all of my insecurities and anxiety - I've been trying my best to lift myself up when I'd get to a not so easy space. Many times to where I couldn't handle a situation, whether it was as easy as trying to talk to someone or just being alone, my first thought was to possibly kill myself. But like I said, I'm not here to be over dramatic - I'm here to tell you how I've dealt with things like this in my life. Info more of the book you'll learn that my life wasn't always great - I struggled as well. I'm not perfect, I felt like I was thrown away by many people, I've felt broken many times, which I thought wasn't possible because I've felt like I've been broken many times.
When I was younger the only thing that ever made me happy was having my whole family under one house but I'm not going to brag because some people don't have it. To tell you the truth, having my family under one roof was difficult to get, mom was sometimes never home, dad worked most days all day, so we'd spend most of the day with our grandparents. I was always okay with being with my grandparents, atleast I always had somewhere to go and felt safe. But at the end of the day, all I wanted was to be together with my family - my sisters and parents. In my family, there was always trouble with abuse - alcohol and physical.
Most of the things you'll read in this book are the things that I have been wanting to let go of for many years. I've cried myself to sleep many times because I didn't want this to trapped inside my body no longer. To me, writing all of this clearly made no sense to me but hoping it makes some sense to you.
What you'll be reading is the story of my life. I wasn't sure I wanted to share it all with you but it's my life that I wholeheartedly wanted to share with you. I don't expect people to see me differently about me because I'll always be the same person, forever. As this is my first time writing, I'm letting you into my life and letting you know more about me, from my point of view. This is how I choose to let you see me, by a words on a piece of paper, in a book, all over. This is how I chose to express myself and what I thought about different things.
Never have I thought the things I've dealt with over the years was something I thought didn't exist - hurting yourself, mental health, depression, addiction and abuse. Because as a kid, you only live for the moment and donmt think what could change tomorrow. The past few years, I've never had a lot of happy days because I'd abandon myself by being in my room and listening to music to escape from the real world. It's never easy finding someone who you can connect with who have struggled the same way I did. But I did. Now to let you keep reading and letting you get to know me.
Yours truly,
Cassidy Shaye
