It was a Saturday morning when I woke up with my sick roommate at the edge of my bed. The sun so bright coming through the window, hearing the annoyance of birds chirping, under two blankets because it was cold the night before. Laying in bed for a few hours after I woke up, watching television shows on my phone and listening to her trying to talk to me every once in awhile. That's how most of my weekends are. Nothing new, never anything exciting because that's what weekends are, they're full of laziness and boredom - I truly enjoy it. I'd rather be in bed for most of the day, rather spending it with people I don't necessarily like. My life on a daily basis is never anything exciting or something to be looking forward for, it's going to be the same boring day all over again.
Being back in sourthern Ontario is a place I always wanted to be since I've been here nearly three years ago, but for some odd reason, it wasn't as exciting as I thought it was going to be. Some days I try to do something interesting just so I can have something to tell someone. When the sun starts to set I always think of what I could have done differently to make my day more exciting, but it also means it's getting close to bed time.
The moment before my body gets on the bed, my head is peacefully resting on that pillow and my eyes are shut, I can't wait to hit that deep sleep I'm striving for, I turn on the country radio station. My mind is as ease and so is my body, relaxed and ready for a good night sleep. Dreaming of many mysterious dreams, the annoying tossing and turning every time I'm uncomfortable when I can't sleep.
The day comes again where the sun is shining brightly through the blinds on my window, the nice cold breeze coming through the window, burried in pillows and blankets, waking up to country music and feeling nice from the good sleep I had. Getting up in the afternoon, heading outside for a cigarette with my bestfriend and telling eachother the weird dream we had, or just talking about how rudely we were woken up by someone in the house. Sometimes my weekends aren't good. I have many things to do, leaving your bed is so problematic because you're so comfortable. But you know you have to get something done or it can somewhat ruin your day, I know it ruins mine.
When it's time to take a shower, I use that time to myself. I turn my phone off, listen to the water falling. Surround myself with my thoughts and think about almost everything. I spend atleast thirty minutes in the shower just to have time to myself without having to worry about anything or anyone but myself. When I come back to reality I always seem to be upset and not happy. The time I get alone, which is sometimes never because I live in a shared space, which I don't mind but more time to myself would be something I'd always want. For all I know, I hate being alone as well because I get sad and overthink everything wrong I've done in my life. Which sometimes ends up to wanting to hurt myself. I enjoy the company I have with my roommate. Over the months I've been living in southern Ontario, I've been feeling better. Where as back home, I felt seriously isolated and alone which I never really appreciated. I very well know I had a numerous amount of people to talk to including my friends and family but never felt comfortable enough to do so.
The extensive change I've seen in myself while living here has open my eyes. I've changed so much, have been more open about myself, going to new school and meeting many different people. I really enjoy being here, it's my happy place. I always think where I would be if I was back home. Would I continue to do the things I was doing before? Would I still hurt myself as much as I did? I honestly couldn't tell you where I would have been if I was home. Not to be blunt or dramatic, but I probably could have been dead. I could have been drinking as much as I did or trying to hurting myself as much as I could.
Living in a group home for the 4th time has actually been good. I always wish I can go back home, but I can tell you now that home was never a healthy place to be. I want to go home and visit family, but I always feel so depressed because there's nothing to do but drink. When I did drink, it always never ended up well. Some may know how I get when I drink, it's honestly very embarrassing.
