A few things you need to know about me that I haven't mentioned. Plane rides, heights, and roller coasters don't frighten me. I have hope in who's flying the plane, or driving the car, anything that dangers my life, not afraid. I'm more fazed of what others think of me as a person. People I'm close with, friends and family are surprised that I'm a person who is always on airplanes and have no fear of it crashing. I'm counting on the pilot to get me where I need to get safe. No worries, no scares, nothing, I've been on a plane many times, not once was I scared. They're always wondering if it ever goes through my head and yes it does, and I scared it's going to crash? No, because this person has enough experience to know what they're doing. My heart races when I get on a plane because plane rides are fun and can somewhat be relaxing, they're long, but you have to occupy yourself in some way. I feel more awake by the excitement of it.
There was always something about the risky side of me, it doesn't thrill me, in fact it's kind of fun. For awhile I was never known as doing dangerous things, but as the years came, I wanted to experience some things. I'm not doing this to myself to wish death could come faster, it's just who I am, and I find it fun once in awhile. I have trust in how strong the object may be, and the people I do these things with and hope it ends well, which most of the time it does. standing at the edge of some cliff doesn't scare me nor does it get harder. If I ever happened to fall, it happens, not that I'm seeking attention in this part but if I fall, I fall, I can't stop myself from falling. In the end, I could have turned away from the cliff and not stand so close to the edge. But that feeling of adrenaline when you look over the edge and think to yourself about what if you were at the bottom instead, looking up, and having a different mind set? I know this doesnt make any sense, but to me it makes sense. It's just a different point of view from looking over the edge, and being at the bottom and looking up and wondering how high it is in feet, having a completely different mind set in both positions.
I remember my first plane ride, I never once thought get me off this plane because we're going to crash, I couldn't wait to take off and be in the sky and see the ground from high above. In all honesty, it looked beautiful. Listening to music to go with the fake movie you're in, on a plane to a different part of your province, a place you've never been to before, it's truly calming. Having the window seat is a blessing if you're not afraid of heights, or if you're photogenic and want to take some nice Tumblr related photos. Plane rides are fun if you have the window seat but a real bitch when you have to use the washroom because you don't want to hassle everyone out of their seats.
When I noticed a few different things about myself, I got myself in a deep thought. What really scared me? Spiders for sure were scary. But bigger things, what actually scared me? Of course everyone is afraid of hearing something incredibly bad has happened to a family member or your friend, or hearing they're struggling immensely with something. The most thing I'm afraid of would be that. I also loathe the thought of being alone, or someone else being alone, that's the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to a person. Maybe not achieving my goals also scares me. It's not much, but it's your future, it's apart of your plan in the long run. If you feel like you're not getting near it, you feel like your life is already falling apart.
Do you realize what is going on in my life? I'm not terrier of plane rides, being over the edge, or things that may cost me my life? I'm more terrified of losing a friend or a family member! I sometimes have the worst scenarios in my head when it comes to not hearing from someone in an hour, longest, a day. But you never know what I could be afraid of. Many things may come, I could be afraid of it. Public speaking? Still getting over it, but I've been doing pretty good lately. Public speaking, half check it.
When I went for my first plane ride, I was looking out my window a saw a few planes go by. I know they have satellite signal things in the plane, where the pilots sit, but imagine if they didn't? Would planes be planes? Would they still fly and not know where they're going? Just remembering where this place is? It's a good thing that they invented the map and signals on a plane. Getting back to my point, seeing a few planes go by, what if the pilots went off into their own world, not paying attention and ended up closely to hitting that other plane? End of life. Gone. I would have freaked.
While in the making of this book, I stopped for a month. I had lost a close family member. I got myself sinking back in my chair because writing about your life experiences is abit triggering and overwhelming. I almost stopped about 100 times. I wanted to grab my phone and just throw it against the wall as a result of not having hope to finish up this book. I felt so hopeless about this, and trying to get it out there and thinking would people actually buy this and read it? Real question every writer has for themselves I believe. There was nothing I could possibly do about it. But hope I'm the end it all works out.
