A life worth saving

Chapter 1

I just try so hard to forget about the past, but it somehow catches up with me. I try and try to shove all my memories to the back of my mind, however. It comes right back. "Why" I cry out. The senery started to spin and I come back to reality. I was sitting on the beach, just looking into the distance and I had another flashback. I remember all the flashbacks I have, they are all very vivid. The one I just had was maybe the worst. It was the first time my now step-father told me that no one will ever love me. He was a very jealous man. He hated the fact that my mother had chose my biological father before him. My mother only chose him because she thought I needed a male figure in my life. My life completely changed when my biological father died. He died in a car accident when I was eleven. The worst part of all, he was on his way to pick me up from my friend's house. For the next two years I blamed myself for his death. 'I could have walked home, I could have waited, I could have just gone home after school' are only the beginning of my thoughts. I hated the fact that my mother had chosen such a slum as my step father. I remember thinking that all I wanted to do was be loved again. My father was the only one who ever showed me that. He would tell me that I was beautiful, and kind. He told me that I could do anything I wanted. He made me feel special. All of my feeling and self confidence faded when Mark my step father, would tell me that no one would love me. He would often say, you're a disgrace, you are ugly, you're worthless, and I recall him telling me, that he doesn't understand how my father loved me. He told me that he wished that I was in the car with my father when he died. He would tell me these things daily. He would also hit me and treat me like an object rather than a human with feelings. I tried to commit suicide unsuccessfully three times because of him. My mother started drinking, a lot. She didn't even notice me anymore. She would drink all day and night. She actually didn't talk to me unless she needed some money for beer. I remember saving up about $200.00 for clothes that I needed, I went to get it, and it was gone. I had gone down to ask my mother about it, and she told me that she took it, because she wanted to go out. I also remember crying for my father and when Mark heard me crying in my room. He sat by my side and smiled. I had looked over and shook my head and he had slapped me across the face. He screamed at me and told me that I shouldn't be crying for him, because he didn't love me. He had mentally trained me to think that I was truly worthless. I dipped my hands down in the ocean water and wiped the water on my face. I pushed all the thoughts to the back of my mind, and started to think about other things. That leaves me where I am now. I'm currently sitting at the beach.