The Beginning of Time

Chapter4: Losing Hope

I felt like the world was against me. My hope , my faith , my belief , and my truth was gone. My life was tainted and covered in darkness. My desire , my pride , and myself dignity as a woman was tooken away from me. I no longer felt like myeshia again because all I could see was those hands clawing at me and didn't have the strength to fight them off. The feeling of being molested and nearly raped had enough power to kill me. I had dreamt so many dreams of those hands and just a shadow tormenting me , eating at my flesh. All the pain I suffered , I had hidden it away. I hidden the truth away and just always kept silent. But the truth , the truth shall be let out. Everything I had worked for , and wanted deep down in my heart was tooken away from me. Why? Because a family member jeopardized my life , and I could never forget , never forgive , and never pretend as if nothing happened. He had stopped me from loving , stopped me from having love , and stopped me from loving myself. I felt dirty , I felt ugly , I felt disgusting , I felt unaccepted , I felt like I didn't deserve anything not even the love of my life , not even my life😢. I had gotten to the point where I pushed people away and didn't even mean to. I pushed him away unpurposely and now I have absolutely no one to talk to that is full of understanding. I had thoughts that the one shadow and set of hands destroyed my life and I was fully covered in darkness. My grandfather ,  so called Christian grandfather had put a pause to my life ,  I felt like I could never , ever find true happiness again. Most people believes in a God and believes in a preacher that is of God , but what preacher can stand before a crowd preaching of God molests and nearly rapes his own granddaughter? How , when , and where ? I thought , can I ever come back from that? Who will ever understand ? Can I just leave and never come back ? Can I just die out and not be thrown away to live in hell ? It's a sin right ? Killing myself would be a sin? But what about molesting ? What about rape ? Those are sins ? Right ? But why isn't he suffering ? Why isn't he hurting ? Why isn't he broken ? Why isn't his life ruined ? WHY???????? The victim always gets put through hell , pushed over the limit to not wanting to live anymore. The victim always suffers. But , the man that does the crime is never punished? Right ? So I ask you all one question , How will and when will God work ? You wonder what's happening now ?  It's funny because he worked sooner than I thought. As my life flashed before my eyes , God sent me to Hattiesburg hospital , giving me a second chance to live. I woke up in Pinegrove. I stayed for at least 5 to 6 days. There was so many stories to observe. Many people had it worse than me. And many people inspired me to take control of my life and put an end to destruction. I received full recovery through group therapy. I am now attending outside therapy , working on attending church again , and working on my Christian Life as a true believer.