Depression, Anxiety, and suicide

Depression

I remember when I was younger, around five, I was so happy then.

But a few events had taken place, and things got worse. My mind was a group of soldiers...and I was just one, we were against each other and I'm losing drastically.

One thing that had always set me off..."Cheer up". As if depression was sadness, but it's not. It can cause sadness...but in a way it's not having the will to care. 

Imagine...drowning, while everyone else is laughing. 

My depression is a demon, the monster from my nightmares when I was five years old. But at the same time it's the only thing there for me when I'm alone, so in the end...it's killing me, but making me live all at the same time.

I don't expect a lot of people to understand what I mean, hell. I'm not sure if I'll understand what I mean.

So...to get a better idea, let's have a short story on depression

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was three in the afternoon, I was just hanging with my friends at the local mall. We were all laughing and telling terrible jokes. But then, my sleeve slipped and showed a red mark and one of the girls looked at me...

"What's that"

I then quickly replied

"Nothing...just a scratch"

they believed me to my surprise and didn't bug again, after that I got home at around eight. My father had to go to the hospital again due to his sleep Apnea. I had never quite understood what that was, but I knew it wasn't good. My mom was in bed like normal, grunting and groaning, moaning in pain every time she moved because...her tailbone was hurt. It was two sizes to big for her body, and could never be fixed. My mother was bed-bound, though she hurt herself walking anyways because she had three children to care for, and a fourth on the way.

I looked in the cup boards, hoping to find a snack. But it was empty as usual, so I went to my room and that's when it hit me. 

My room was so quiet, peaceful and cool. Most people would enjoy that,but I feared the silence. I turned my t.v on and blasted music as loud as I could without getting in trouble. Yet, it didn't help. 

Those damned thoughts were in my head again

"Why do you exist"

"What's the point"

"No one would care if I were gone"

I wanted so desperately to have them leave my head, so I curl on my bed and contemplate death. Wanting so bad to feel fucking normal again!

I cried silently, cause heaven forbid I let my loud cries live. And if someone were to hear than I would have to fib

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That sounds terrible doesn't it? To have to silence yourself just so others don't worry

But some like me, find it quite easy.

We devoid ourselves of emotions, and build barriers to avoid trusting others, we can't let them see what's in our heads.

Now, there's one thing I want to clear up.

Depression is not some model crying, her mascara running and yet she's still beautiful, and she's staring at some sunset saying some unforgettable and deep meaningful quote.

No. Depression is staring at your ceiling at four o'clock in the morning, because you can't find the will to close your god damn eyes. You keep asking yourself "What's the point" but you can never find a meaning. You want to die, because nobody will care in the end. You haven't showered in days because, well let's face it, you haven't even left your bed! You surf on the internet searching for a meaning, but the only thing you find is people. Famous people, telling their sob stories and others crying for them. You see others say "I'm so depressed" or "I feel depressed" or "I've been really sad lately, I think I have depression". 

You can feel a fire burning, because these people are so god damned stupid! They don't understand a thing, and they never will. And once they realize people like us exist...

"Attention whore!"

"Hurry up and kill yourself"

"Your a wast of space"

Those are just a few of the things those people would say. There are much more but those are the most hurtful.

Now...to tell you about my depression a little more

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd like to describe it as...the monster under my bed that I always made my dad check for when I was five. 

Yet now, it has become a figure in my mind, it's so comforting but terrifying at the same time. At the end of the day, it's the only thing there for me...but it's the only thing against me.

My mind has become a battle field, we're opposing teams. One day we're partners, the next I'm on my knees. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take heed in this story, for it's only the first part...

"Smile they say, smile tall and proud, smile like no one is around! I no longer want to smile, it hurts my cheeks, watch as the streaks of tears stain them, puffy and red, I want to be dead, No one's around to hear my screams, I hurt everyday can't you see? I'm dying inside, crumbling into nothing. I'm done with this life, I want to be gone, but no one cares enough to tell me I'm wrong. I know I can't leave, I'm not allowed to take the easy way out. I'm human waste enough! It hurts to smile, but smiling stops the tears. It hurts every day when I know you can hear but choose to ignore the fact that my sanity is no more. I'm screaming inside, bleeding internally. But no more, I will fly with no hope, no fear. My one wish is to disappear, don't cry now, it was gonna happen soon. You know I'd never put the blame on you, so wipe those tears, and just smile because apparently a smile can take you miles in a worthless rut when you know your stuck but pretend to be happy, getting sappy, but by then you'll get snappy" -Me