Letters To Nate | ✓

3| somnium mundi

dream world - latin (somnium mundi)
-a world of illusion and fantasy
(taken from: Merriam Webster)
______________________

Dear Nate,

Ma and Anna took me to a therapist today. I didn't like it, because I don't want to blab all my problems to a stranger I don't know but Ma and Anna thought it was best and took me there. Her name is Dr Cindy Montana. She is a nice lady, with kind eyes and a bright smile. She asked me to call her by her name, Cindy. Which I thought was kind but I still wouldn't blab my issues to her, even though she seems kind.

I really don't know what happened Nate, I was adamant on not telling her about you, but the next second, I was crying like a river telling her about you and you know she told me Nate? She told me it's okay to grieve you and I literally laughed at her. Grieve? GRIEVE? I wasn't grieving you. I'm not grieving you Nate. What I'm doing is falling into a deep pit of oblivion and depression without you by my side. That's not grieving.

Cindy looked at me weirdly when I laughed, although she tried not to show it, I'd already seen it. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I deserve to be locked up in a mental institution for being crazy. I mean, I'm writing to you and you're dead. That's being crazy. I'm willing to be crazy just so I can see you again, feel your love again, kiss you again, tell you I love you again. I'm willing to be crazy.

Gosh Nate, this is not right. I can't go through so much hurt just missing you. You don't want me to be crazy right? Then come back to me, please Nate come back. Don't do this to me. Don't make me go crazy. I don't want to be crazy.

Remember when I told you that I hated you? I lied. I don't hate you Nate. In fact, funny thing is, I'm totally in love with you. Please do notice the present tense I'm using. I love you. I love you so much. You are my everything. My first and last love, my other half, my soulmate. I love you Nate. I don't hate you. I never will.

I told Ma that it was Peter's fault, it slipped, I didn't mean to say that. And I know I hurt her saying that because she loves Peter. I thought she wouldn't talk to me Nate, I was so scared, bit she surprised me by announcing that I'm going to therapy. Which by the way, I'm going again tomorrow and I'm really not looking forward to it but I don't have a choice. Ma is adamant on getting help and who am I to disobey her?

Anyway, I really need to stop writing because my hand is getting tired and it's getting late. I love you baby.

I'll be dreaming about you Nate, like I always do.

Yours Faithfully
Your girlfriend,
Rhea

She dropped her pen on the table and closed her journal just as her mother opened the door slightly to get inside. Rachel walked to Rhea's bed and sat down just watching her and after a few moments she spoke "You've never written in that journal since I bought it for you last year. What changed your mind?"

Rhea plopped on her bed with a sigh "My thoughts were driving me crazy" she told her, pinching her nose "they still are, but now that I'm writing them down. It's slightly better"

"That's why you need a therapist" Rachel said "You need to get your feelings out verbal to get rid of the heavy weight on your shoulders and you won't be able to do that writing on a page"

"You don't understand Ma" Rhea said on the verge of crying. Her mom wouldn't understand why its important for her to keep writing to Nate, it keeps her from going insane from her thoughts.

Rachel sighed , she knew that Rhea wouldn't explain it to her but she still had to ask about it "Make me understand Rhea"

"You wouldn't understand Ma" Rhea repeated again, tiredly. "How's Peter doing?"

Rachel frowned at the subject change but answered her daughter's question "He is still hurting, although its a bit better than last time I saw him. I hate seeing him like that" Rachel trembled and fought to not let the tears flow at the thought of her husband "So helpless and I can't do a damn thing about it"

Rhea felt the guilt bloom in her when she remembered what she said to her mother. It wasn't Peter's fault at all. Rhea blinked back tears at the memory of her rushing each room trying to find Peter and Nate and when she did, she burst out crying at the sight of them "I'm so sorry about blaming Peter mother" She looked at her with teary eyes "I didn't mean anything I said yesterday"

Rachel kissed her daughter on her cheek and wiped away a stray tear "I know you didn't darling" she stood up "Catch some sleep baby girl, tomorrow we are up bright and early. I have something to show you"

She got into her covers and blinked sleepily at her mother, feeling the fatigue start to take over "You do?" She mumbled. Rachel nodded but Rhea could barely see the gesture through her sleepy eyes

"I do. I love you baby girl"

"I love you too Ma"

Rachel switched off her lights and walked out of the room. Rhea could feel her heartbeat rushing to her ears loudly and she blinked trying to rub the sleep away to go and fetch something she hasn't slept with since Nate died. She picked up the black jersey and wore it ,smelling the distinct scent of Nate. Her scent now mostly overpowered it but it was still there. She got back into the covers and snuggled in deeply.

I love you Nate. Forever and always. Rhea thought before she drifted back to sleep where she knew Nate would be visiting her.