Is something missing?

A day in the life of Me.

So basically I'm known as "The Whore of Sheboygan." Or, " The slut of the corners" because I date a lot of people. I take full credit for that because 1. I have no choice but to take responsibility for my actions, and 2. Because it's my fault anyways. But these guys seem to all be the same.. Except for one or two that stick out every here and there. But it always ends.. Because of lies and deceit. But I don't do anything wrong. I feel used, or played. So I leave. I feel depressed and lied to. So I leave. I feel broken and hated. So I leave. And then a couple days later, I apologize and try to start over. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. But it's life. And life is a fucking BITCH. Sometimes, I even think to my self "why I'm still here? Is there a reason? And if yes, what's the reason? Cause clearly, I don't believe there is one." But people always tell me I'm beautiful, and I should live life to the fullest.. HAHA IM NOT BEAUTIFUL, my make-up may be beautiful, but you've never seen my face without it, even if I said I'm not wearing any I am. It's the way it works, nothing about me is beautiful, NO... THING.

I've been diagnosed with depression and anger issues before. Several medicines I've been prescribed but nothing's gonna change the way people treat me, sure, I'll try and stay confident but does that mean it's going to work? No. Because when I'm "confident" it's not really confidentiality, it's just my fake personality showing.. I try to act like I'm the happiest person on EARTH at school and around friends, but once I get home, BAM, instant tears. Every day it's the same òl thing... Wake up, cover my face in make-up, straighten my hair, find clothes that I don't even really want to wear but wear anyways to fit it, brush my teeth and put on deodorant, and go to school. Don't eat or drink anything because I know there's another day of depression ahead of me. And it would just come right back up.. So basically what I'm saying is I only eat at lunch and SOMETIMES, maybe.. I'll eat dinner, and most of the time.. My dad gets worried, and makes me eat. Even if I say I'm not hungry. Nothing in my life seems to be alright.. And I think my favorite word has become what I am, NOTHING.

My only real friends are the ones I've grown to know. Cassidy left. Paola left. Now there's only Jade, and Breann. The only two who I actually know won't leave. There's Aleyna but she's knew. She's very amazing and I'm glad me and her are friends now. She's taught me what it like to live lively. To be beautiful, no only as a friend, but a person. I love her. She's one if the reasons I'm still living. Even though sometimes she doubts me.. But I stilllllll love her. We sing together and make retarded faces together, go shopping and get our nails DID together, and even go to the movies together. She's like everything I need. She's all the "boyfriend" I could ever want (even though she's a girl) she's all the sister/ brother I would ever need (considering mine left me) and all the BESTFRIEND a girl could ever ask for. I'm proud to call Leyna my best friend.

Things have bee thought throughout my life. Not the getting beat and sexually harassed, not the bullying and depression, not even the hate and abuse... Just coping with everything. It's complicated and I don't really know how to keep myself under control. I don't like blowing up at people when I'm upset and they keep hating. I actually hate putting people through tough times just because I'm in one. It's hard for me not to though I mean, if someone kept bullying you on and on and on and on and on again and didn't stop, would you get upset and blow up? Or would you be able to cope with it and control yourself...?

At my school, either you're a prep, average, or loser... Somehow I fall under the average section. I'm friends with some populars but not as many as you would expect... You're judged if your a loser, you're judged if your average, and if you're a prep, you're "perfect". I try and stay away from all the preppy bitches because most of them think they're the mother fucking kings and queens of the school. But their NOT. Most of them I just want to back hand the living shit out of, but then again there are some that are pretty chill. Ben and Peter for example, they're really nice to me all the time. They know how to be mean and joke around and they make sure you know their just messin. But others.... Not so much. Ugh! Do you ever just get so mad you want to punch something for no reason? Yeah it seems to happen a lot with me. You know, because of my anger issues. It's really not something to be proud of. Which I'm not, but everyone thinks just because you hit people, you're a "badass". Oh wow! CONGRATULATIONS SOCIETY YOU FUCKED EVERYONES LIVES UP. Now if you're a bad ass, my honest opinion of you, is that you my dear, are the biggest, most irresponsible, fake, person I've ever met. Because if you hit someone or do drugs for FUN, I hope to god you burn in hell. You're taking advantage of not only yourself, but the people who made this all possible. You're parents, your grandparents, your great grandparents, your god parents, and God himself. He didn't place you in such a position, for no reason. He placed you in your position because he knows that your strong enough to face the bumps in the road. He KNOWS you're strong enough to be the one to stay alive and not end everything you've ever live for and dreamed of. But that's all, just my opinion.