Breakups. Important is a good word describe what they are. Out of all the words in the world perhaps important isn't the best to describe the deep heartache that a breakup demands. Does anyone understand what it feels like to have your heart ripped apart? Is it something that people can relate over? If I described in detail my last breakup and exactly how it made me feel would you be able to relate? Can anyone ever relate to something so personal?
Loving someone is never an easy task, most expect it to be. But ultimately we are all let down, yes? By ourselves and the person we love, always. Understanding the nature of love and how it makes you who you are is difficult. Finding someone to fill that gaping hole in yourself is difficult, never easy. Can you ever be complete again without someone to hold you together? Will you fall apart and end up to be a gathering of lines that are all disconnected?
A woman once told me that it takes as long as the relationship lasted to get over the breakup and I tend to disagree. From my experience it takes me longer than the majority, but that is also just the majority. I think everyone experiences it differently, it makes you feel more strongly than you perhaps have ever felt. Breakups can bring out who you truly are. Who are you without this person? Are you complete?
My thoughts bounce off of each other when I think of this, there's so much to ponder and so much to understand. Me being 8 months into a breakup and approaching the ever dreaded one year mark makes me think. I think most about who I was when I was with that person. How they made me feel, where we went, what was life like when I was with them. Being 8 months down the track gives me the insight I thought I'd never have. He was the love of my life and the entire world revolved around him, he quite literally was my lifeline. Learning to survive without that proved to be the hardest journey of my life.
But I am surviving without him, it was bumpy and the process was never smooth sailing, but I got through and being on the other side of everything is refreshing. I never truly stopped thinking about him or how he made me feel. He was always in the background whispering quietly in my brain, never seen but always present.
After you spend so much life with them, it's hard to have a life without them.
But alas this is only my experience, a small tale in a world of infinite stories. When you think about it, in the grand scheme of things, breakups are small little blips in all things. Breakups seem to not matter so much when you consider the fact that everyday the world renews itself and we are slowly but surely being pushed towards the complete cycle of our deaths. But that never discounts the mind or the feeling of a breakup. The feeling of love, the feeling of love leaving. Just because it's only a blip in all of time and history means nothing to say that it only feels like a blip.
It's deeper, it courses through you. Just as that person used to run through your blood in your veins, the loss of them runs even deeper. The comfort you once took in their presence becomes the bitter resentment for arguments and a hole where they used to fit perfectly. Your hands feel empty without them and your mind feels drained of all that's good. You feel like someone has been pulling string out of your body for years and finally they've reached the end. You're empty inside and nothing remains but a brain and useless body. These thoughts only give way to how you feel inside. How you feel about yourself and the problems you harbour way beneath any friend or family member's eyes. You start to question yourself, you question others, you question just about everything that physically exists around you. Is anything worth anything if they're not with you any longer? Does the clothing items that still smell of them or the pieces you collected over the years of objects that hold memories even matter anymore? Should you start a fire and burn them all? Or throw these things at them until they cry and say sorry for what they've done?
But at the end of the day once all the bitterness and confusion fades away. When you're left staring at the ceiling at midnight wondering what happened. The beautiful truth comes to life. You're hurting, you're beaten down, you're chest is ripped out and torn apart, your brain is picked, you are struggling. The beautiful truth is that you understand now who you are. This opens the pathway to the rest of your life. Wether the outcome be good or bad, this happened and you have to deal with it. Decide what you need to do.
This all sounds like a motivational speech to rally you into "giving life a go" and "looking on the bright side" but trust me, it's not. There is no hiding the ugly side where you want to rip your skin apart and blast away everything with a bullet to the brain. There is no hiding that but there is also no hiding that things will ultimately get better. If you just survive and barely drag through, it will resolve itself, however long it takes.
