Merlin One Shots

What Could Have Been

"One day, Merlin, I will repay you. I promise." Freya whispers and then she relaxes in my arms and I know she's gone. I feel the tears that I have been holding back for so long finally break through and flow down my face.

"Freya. No." I breathe.

I am blinded. At first I think it is from the water infront of my eyes. Then I realize, Freya is gone and with her brilliant light extinguished I can no longer see anything.

A wave of guilt ten times stronger than the waves that rock the lake behind me crashes into me, threatening to drown me. I double over, still cradleing Freya in my arms, and sob, sounding for all the world like a drowning man gasping for air.

It's my fault and I know it. I should have stayed with her. We should have left. I should have stopped Arthur sooner. All of these thoughts tear at me and I feel like I am being pulled apart from the inside out. I will never be whole again.

I couldn't save her. Why couldn't I save her? One voice whispers to me from above the water that covers me. It shines with a distorted light like a ray of light breaking through from the surface and streching to brighten the darkness below. "You've already saved me. You made me feel loved." It is Freya's voice, so clear that I look at the still girl in my arms, expecting to see her smiling up at me.

I've failed her. It slams into me like a punch in the stomach. How can it be that I saved her if I couldn't keep her? How is that fair?

The voice whispers to me again, "Merlin. You can't blame yourself. You didn't fail.", still Freya's though she never said these words. And I know she is right.

I reach for the light shining above me and erupt from the drowning guilt, gasping.

I look at Freya's face. Though her cheeks are wet with my tears her face is peaceful. She is so beautiful. Another tear falls and lands on her chest, directly above her heart.

I take a deep breath. It is time to let go. I slide my arms out from under her and gently lay her head on the ground. I touch my lips to her forehead and then stand to gather foliage. When I do my joints crack. How long have I been sitting here?

I gather pine fronds and leaves and a few wildflowers and arrange them in a small boat that I find tied to a tree with an ancient rope.

Then I walk back to where I left Freya and pick her up, holding her close to my chest. I carry her over to the boat and lay her on the fronds, She looks so small at the edge of the vast lake.

I take one last look at her. My beautiful Freya. Then I hold up my hand. "Astyre." The boat begins to float out into the lake carrying my heart inside. I take a few steps with it, ignoring the waves lapping at my ankles. When I can no longer see Freya inside the boat I once again hold out my hand. "Wæc- . . ." I take a breath and close my eyes. "Wæcce on sæbát bælfýr mæst." as I am saying the spell another tear finds its way out of my eye and winds a path down my face.

Flames blossom from Freya's boat and I turn around. On the once empty shore there is now a small hut. I hear voices inside it. Suddenly the wooden door bursts open and two children run out. A little girl of about five in a dirty red dress with dark hair and glittering brown eyes followed by a hobbling toddler also with dark hair and bright blue eyes. The girl looks so much like Freya that I gasp, sucking in air to fill the hole in my heart.

I look at the doorway again and am shocked. Standing in the frame is Freya several years older but still the beautiful girl I just said goodbye to. Beside her, arm around her waist, I see myself, also older. We smile happily at our children romping around in the dirt and splashing each other.

I watch myself crouch down and pick a wildflower from beside the door. I stand and hold it out to Freya who laughs and blushes. She tilts her head to me and I tuck it behind her ear. "You're still as beautiful as the day we met." The happy Merlin tells her, reaching out and putting his hand on her stomach.

Freya smiles and places her hand over mine, she wraps her other arm around my neck and kisses me and I pull her close and kiss her back.

I close my eyes to blink away the tears and when I open them it is gone. I nod to myself and begin to walk away. Away from the lake, away from Freya, away from what could have been.