She was the type of girl who would always be smiling or at least seem like it. She was my best friend and made me smile, a real smile. Not those fake smiles you have to put on to make yourself look like your fine or that your going to be ok. She was amazing, kind, beautiful, she was her. But she was gone. I could have stopped it but I couldn't at the same time.
This is what people would probably write a my funeral, if I had a best friend. Or even if I was those things. I am an imperfect freak with no friends. No one to care. I am the girl who has to put on a show to prove to everyone around her that she is getting better when really she is falling deeper and deeper in to her dark thoughts every breath she takes.
Sometimes I imagine a better place. That is what I hold on to when reality gets to much, or when I think. Thinking is no good to anyone, thinking is no ones friend. All it does is eat you from the inside. The worst thing is when all your thoughts come in at once and it over loads your brain and you have nothing left to hold on to.
Doctors describe my feelings as 'Mentally Unstable' or 'Depression'. They think every thing you feel inside can be stopped with pills and therapy. They think you mental scars can just disappear whist your physical scars sit there and rot away. Well they can't. I sit there Day after day afraid of the out side world, waiting for it to come and swallow me whole. The people are worse than most. Making up rumours and lies that just make you want to disappear more. They make you want to run and hide. They make you want to go and crawl into a ball and cry.
Crying was a usual thing for me. I would cry myself to sleep and no one would ever notice. No one would ever ask me those three words that could change my view on things. Maybe even open up. But no. No one would dare come up the the suicidal freak and ask "Are you ok? ". They all probably think no don't talk to her you with probably fall ill with the plague. But of course half of them don't know what the plague is or if they did they wouldn't know that it died out years ago.
School was hell for me. I know a lot of people say that in a sarcastic way and don't mean it. Trust me, it is. Most girls walk around thinking they own the place so it is ok to treat people like shit and make them want to slit their wrists on a daily basis. They make them feel so insecure and in fear it makes them physically sick to leave there houses. It makes them so happy to see other people suffering so they don't have to deal with their shitty problems and their insecurities. Everyone has them but only a 'lucky' few get to be reminded every single second of there living existence. Most boys just look at you like an object that they can come to whenever they please and you would beg for attention. Well, sorry honey but that isn't me. They act all nice and innocent when non of there so called 'friends' are around and then they throw you aside like chewing gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe. The 'bro code' isn't even something they abide by, as soon as they break up with you there 'friends' start hitting you up like they don't even know there 'friend'.
Teachers. Don't even get me stared on teachers. All they care about is that you have the correct skirt on or the correct shoes. If you came to the with a problem they would send you to on of the school therapists. They would only listen to you for about five minutes and probably not even care if you say you were going to kill yourself.
Once all my thoughts in my head all build up, I don't go crying to people asking them for help because I know nobody could help me, I never know what is real anymore. It all would feel like a dream doing the same thing over and over again. It would always lead back to that one thing I was used to by now. The one thing that would make me feel something. Sadness.
