Thoughts

How I feel

Hi all, this is not the best thing I've written. I just wanted to vent a little about how I feel. Some of this is repetitive, I know. There is also some grammatical errors so I apologise, it's really not my strong point. I digress a lot in this too.

This is about many people I've met in my life. Some who've hurt me and others who've lifted me up. If you can, enjoy xx

It's hard to allude a feeling one has never encountered. I like to keep myself confined within the thoughts of my mind. I admit it, I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid of pain and I'm afraid of being used. I find great difficulty in opening up to someone I care about so much.

You see, the thing about me is that I've been hurt so many times before. It's reached a point where I  predict when I'm going to be fucked over. I sometimes wonder whether I'm just a temporary friend, someone there to simply fill that brief period of time. I like to have meaning in other people's lives but yet, it only seems as though people want to wash their hands of me when they find someone more enticing and less depressing.

I feel like the plastic flimsy toys that have short use and are easily replaceable - the toys that have little sentimental value and are the first to get thrown in the bin when it's time to clean up the bedroom. I'm an ordinary person that wants to do extraordinary things yet here I am, living such a mundane life.  Afraid of change and new beginnings. I've grown accustomed to this toxic environment that it's become a drug that I've grown to relish.

I want to hit that restart button but whenever I get the courage to do so, I get knocked back... and it takes a fucking long time to get back up. Even then, I still walk with a limp. So of course, I find ways to protect myself. I shut people out, ask them questions a part of me knows the answer to and I'll  keep some of the thoughts to myself in fear I'll scare them away.

What frightens me the most is when someone means so much to me, when the person knows me in a way not many other people do. That creates a mountainous fear because I know that if I lose them, it'll leave a permanent fracture in my heart.

So when someone tells me they'll always be there for me, I'll take their word for it but a part of me - the damaged, fragile side will tell that they'll go...