For the longest time

I

For the longest time, I didn't know what I wanted. I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep being the person I was, I wasn't sure who I was anymore. Somewhere, between the time I enrolled in college, and the time I got my heart broken, I lost my balance.

I dropped out. I just couldn't stand to be in the same place that broke me.

The very next day, I booked a bus ticket and left Indiana with nothing more than a medium-sized duffel bag and an unpublished book of poems in my hands. I left without a word because no one would've understood. They thought I was doing great, I had good grades and my teachers saw potential in me. I was going to get published. The first Creative Major in that University to get that opportunity. Everything seemed to be going the way it was supposed to go. 

But it was all a lie.

The day I arrived in NYC, I walked all day through the crowded streets, trying to find a job. It seemed like I wasn't suited for anything, though. I was too inexperienced. I didn't know how to cook, I didn't know how to use a cash register, I didn't even know much fashion. I smoked half a pack of cigarettes, cursing myself because I was so useless. Night fell on my shoulders as if it was mocking me. Time was going fast and I didn't have enough money to stay in the crappy motel in Brooklyn that charged me $20 a night. It was silly, really. The day before, I couldn't wait to go out and get a real life, and then I understood that I was not ready. 

I walked the whole way up to Manhattan, got rejected too many times to count. The whole disappointment made me feel hopeless and ridiculous and I just wanted it to go away. So, the next bar that I spotted, I went in. It was packed, people scattered all over the place, trying to get a better view of a small stage that was set up against the wall. I saw an empty stool near the bar and I approached it. As I sat down, the lights dimmed and a girl started talking through the speaker next to my right.

"What's your poison?", the bartender asked me.

The girl was enthusiastic and she wore a really nice pair of jeans. She talked about how lucky we all were because we were having a truly amazing artist on stage tonight. I turned to the bartender. "A screwdriver", I said. People started applauding loudly. "What's all this fuzz about?", I asked him as he turned to the screen next to him to enter my order.

"Didn't you see the board when you came in?", I shook my head no. "Ed Sheeran is playing tonight"

I looked back to the stage, where a young ginger man, with too many tattoos to count at first glance, was taking the mic. I knew who he was, just like everyone else. I liked his music, like most people. Maybe, if I hadn't been so down that night, I would've been really excited about seeing him. Maybe I would've done the whole fangirl act. But my brain was too tired to care. The cheering crowd seemed to get louder every time he did a small move and he laughed. 

"If only I'd won a Grammy...", I heard the bartender joke behind me.

I kept staring at the ginger as he smiled and plugged his guitar into the amp next to him. His smile didn't seem to fade. He looked really happy. I wondered if I've ever felt that happy in my life, I wondered if I could ever feel that happy.

"I'm Travis, by the way." I turned to the bartender as he spoke. He was smiling, wiping his hands on a rag. 

I nodded, "Erin." His slightly crooked smile was sexy and he seemed really nice. Maybe, if I was another kind of girl, I would've engaged in a more entertaining conversation. Maybe I would've said something more, anything. But I stayed silent, not knowing how to continue the conversation.

"Thank you so much for having me," Ed's voice blasted through the speakers. I turned my attention to the stage and saw that he was smiling wide as everyone cheered. He had the kind of presence that made the room feel like a party, in which everyone was friends with each other, even if no one knew anyone in there. "I've been on tour lately and it's been just the craziest couple of months", more cheering, he laughed, "it's nice to have small gigs from time to time and Jim knows this is my favorite bar in New York. By the way, Jim's the owner, a round of applause for the lad. I love you, mate"

I felt myself smiling as the crowd got louder. There were girls drinking cosmopolitans and guys drinking scotch and they all seemed like they were out of a fashion magazine. My jeans weren't intentionally ripped like everyone else's, they were ripped for real from when I fell so many times near the lake back on campus. I had been so high, so drunk. I had been so reckless, so careless, but I had fun. Now, it was just a bitter memory I wanted to erase from my mind.

The strumming on the guitar brought me back to reality. I gasped. I'd stopped breathing without noticing.

"Wow, didn't think you'd drink it all so fast." 

Travis' voice startled me. I looked down at the clearly empty glass on my hand, set it down on the counter as I apologized. "Rough night?" I shrugged. Rough long years. He gave me a sympathetic smile, "I'll fix you another one, it's on me." I tried to smile, but my face betrayed me, I pressed my lips tight against each other, in hopes of not breaking down in a crammed bar. "Just enjoy the show", Travis pushed another drink towards me across the counter. I nodded and took a sip, turning my attention back to the stage. I didn't even know when I started tapping my foot on the floor.

"Now I'm in town, break it down, thinking of making a new sound
Playing a different show every night in front of a new crowd
That's you now, bella ciao, seems that life is great now
See me lose focus, as I sing to you loud"

Ed Sheeran looked comfortable and happy as he strummed his guitar and recorded every part of the song with the two loop pedals he had on the floor. His hands moved around the guitar as if it was an extension of his body. The words slipped out of his mouth with no significant effort and he shifted his weight from one foot to another as if he was enjoying it immensely. 

I looked around at the people who had stood up and they were dancing and others were rapping and everyone seemed to be having the best night of their lives.

"And all I want in this cold world is to make music and use it
Not to abuse it and get affected, infected with the who's who of music
Who did it, who is it, who's in it or what the hell does it matter?
Chitter chatter, don't matter what a yidder, yidder, yadder, it don't matter to me"

My eyes were fixated on his persona. I was obsessed with the energy he emanated. It made me feel alive, it made me feel like everything was possible. It made me feel like I was, for once, in the right place, at the right time.

And then everything came crashing down as the lights went out and we sunk in darkness.

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Thank you so much for reading this. I really hope you liked it. This chapter is edited and I hope you like the changes if you've read the first draft. Comments are welcomed! 

PS: This was Ed's first appearance in the story. The first interaction is in the next chapter. Keep reading!

-TJ