For the longest time

VIII

I didn't hear from Ed until the next week. He went to LA for an awards show and I spent my days trying to learn how to make the perfect espresso while balancing the new stressful life I had decided to live. He and I didn't text or talk on the phone, but I wasn't worried about it, I had more important things on my mind.

"Hey, I know you," a handsome boy smiled up at me from his phone when I poured coffee on his mug. "You were in the bar when the lights went out." I tried to match his face to a name in my head, but I couldn't.

"Erin! Come here!" I apologized to the customer and headed back to the counter, where my boss was waiting for me with hot plates to deliver to a table outside.

Near the end of my shift, I was brooming the entrance when Lily, a co-worker, came out and kept me company while drinking a classic blend she made with the leftover smoothies of the day.

"Who was that?"

"Who?"

"That guy who was flirting with you earlier"

"I don't know"

She slurped her drink through a straw and offered me some but I shook my head, "he was cute." I shrugged and she went back inside.

Back in NYC. If you say you don't remember me I'm going to fucking cry.

I laughed at Ed's text, laying on the bed of my new room, right above the coffee shop. I shared the small apartment with Fran -another co-worker- and the endless bags of sugar, napkins, paper cups and coffee beans, amongst other things.

Do you need tissues?

You break my heart, Erin.

"Who are you talking to?" Fran gave me a cheeky smile as she plopped on her own bed, across the room. She groaned and took her shoes off. "I'm dead. Wake me up tomorrow for the morning shift." And just like that, she was snoring.

My phone rang and I quickly snuck out of the room and sat between a cardboard box full of plastic utensils and the stairs that connected us to the now-closed coffee shop.

"Hi," I whispered into my phone.

"Hi," his voice was sleepy and hoarse, "why are we whispering?"

"I like it"

Two hours later I met Ed at the lobby of a new hotel he was staying in.

"How many awards did you win?"

Ed rolled his eyes and sipped his cup of tea while I ate the last crumbles of the donuts we'd just shared.

"You deleted your website." The lobby was empty at 2 am, someone was behind the front desk, typing away on the computer. The clicking and the smooth jazz that emanated from the speakers were our background music. I drank hot chocolate and felt like I was in an indie film. "Why did you?"

As I set my mug down, I realized I didn't have an answer. I had a blog with my poetry, then I didn't. I couldn't think of a reason, so I deflected the question. "I can't believe you read my stuff. The page didn't have many visits anyway."

His eyes crinkled up in the slightest smile and he leaned back on the couch. "I read, like, even if you don't believe it. Sometimes I just type weird things on Google because I like the sound of the words and I want to find inspiration. I know it's the lamest thing you've ever heard, don't laugh," although he did, "and I think one time I Googled something like I would've taken bullets but you held the gun or something like that, I can't really remember now." He spoke and I listened, immediately recognizing some of my words on that phrase. "Yeah so I was probably up all night, going from one blog to another and reading articles and poetry and song lyrics and... it was a really long night," he laughed, "and then I found this website that had a burgundy background and so many entries with poetry. It was your blog and I fell in love immediately with the writing. I mean it! Don't look at me like that!" he laughed, his cheeks bright red, trying to hide his blushing skin behind the cup of tea.

"So funny," I smiled, tiredly, "it's just crazy how everything ends up being connected somehow."

Ed nodded and looked down at his empty cup. "You really loved him, didn't you?"

I felt as if I had been kicked in the guts. For a moment my breath was gone and I felt my hands go numb. A long, annoying, high-pitched note rang in my ears for what it seemed forever, and Ed's eyes became even bigger and ever deeper and even darker when I looked at him. His face -and everything around him- seemed to stop and colours seemed to fade. Suddenly, I felt freezing cold and like I was about to throw up.

I drank some more hot chocolate to bring myself back to life.

"His name's Marcus"

My voice didn't feel like my voice and I had to focus on a single point on the table so I didn't fall off the couch. Ed didn't say anything. "I met him there, in college. He... he's sick -cancer. I didn't know about it until a month into dating him. It crushed me, but I loved him so much I tried to be there for him in every possible way. Because, you know, I'm not easy to be around either. I was there when he was in the hospital, and he was around when I was... well, you read my poems... I was in a really dark place myself. And then he started a new treatment and he felt better, so much better and I liked seeing him stronger and happy but... I don't know, it wasn't enough."

My hands suddenly felt warm and I noticed that Ed had placed his on top of them. I looked up at him and shrugged. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to.

We sat on the back of a cab, on our way to the coffee shop. It was his way of walking me home because walking would've taken hours. The radio filled the silence we had been sharing since my tragic, sudden storytelling. The lights outside percolated in through the glass and tinted the scene with melancholy. Ed looked at the streets we passed and I looked at him. My body felt heavy and cold. A few blocks before arriving at our destination, Ed turned to me and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. It felt like the ashes of a phoenix getting ready to blossom.

"Aren't you going back to the hotel?" I asked him after he paid the driver and we saw the car disappear around the corner.

"That's fucked up," he said, "what Marcus did. That's fucked up. I know I sound like an arsehole because the guy's got cancer, but seriously Erin, that's fucked up and you don't deserve it."

I wrapped my arms around my body, feeling shivers run down my spine, not sure if it was because of the cold, the awkwardness or Ed's words. He took a step closer to me and I didn't move. Our eyes met, almost at the same height, and I held tighter onto the hem of my jacket. We were right outside the back door of the coffee shop, the one that led to the kitchen. No one could see us back here, we were invisible to the untrained eye and somehow I felt so naked and exposed. I wasn't crying, but my chin was trembling slightly. Ed took a deep breath and took his hands out of his pockets, inching towards me.

I don't know if it was some kind of trance we both were in, maybe that's how magnetic our eyes were to each other. His energy pulled me into him when his lips crashed into mine and what started as a soft, gentle kiss slowly built up into heat in my core. I grabbed two handfuls of his jacket and pulled him closer to me, he tugged at my bottom lip, both our breaths escalating as we made out against the back door of the place I worked at.

-----

Yooooo! So I guess it'll start getting smuttier from now on.

Hope you're liking the story so far.

- TJ